May 23, 2019
Looking back on the last three months of waiting, I am so thankful that I’m not the one in charge. Even just this last month God has shown me so many things about myself. God is so actively moving in the stillness. I had realized that I constantly reflect and mirror myself to the people and situations going on around me. I was able to start questioning that reflex and very actively working against it. Picture always needing to feel approval and striving for it whenever it is not felt. So in situations that are predictable and comfortable it is generally easy for me to do…
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July 24, 2018
Counseling is basically bringing a puzzle to a professional puzzle solver. Telling the truth about how you made the puzzle, but how the puzzle is messed up because of people and choices. Giving the counselor all the keys to the puzzle that you have, and admitting that you've done everything you can to solve the puzzle and you can't figure it out. And then the therapist listens to all the ways your puzzle was broken and made harder by things you couldn’t control. And they listen to you cry about how the puzzle is stupid and worthless and how you don't want your puzzle anymore.…
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February 13, 2019 (Part Two)
Sometimes I question “why me.” It seems like almost anyone would be better equipped to serve overseas. It hasn't helped that in the last year I have become aware of a new medical diagnosis and repressed trauma. I tell God how damaged I am and that I am hopeless and useless. That His and my time would be used better elsewhere. That I can just lay down and never get up and He can find a much more useful vessel for His love. Even my prayers make me hate myself. Sometimes they are so selfish I want to take them back and just tell Him that it’s going to…
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February 13, 2019
In years past most of my prayers consisted of “Lord lead me” and “please give me wisdom” spread out every couples of months. This year it seems like every several months have had a more intense theme of alternating “Lord open my eyes” and “I literally can’t go on.” The more I saw, the less I could get out of bed without relying on the Word of God and a constant conversation about my current battle. The hopelessness of not having any answers to the problems I saw afflicting those closest to me kept me going back to Jesus for the will to go on. It seemed like the more I…
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February 13, 2019
When I first applied to be a goer it was over a year ago in September, and when I started taking it seriously it was almost exactly a year ago. I remember in past years seeing people’s “year end summaries” saying how much they had grown in the previous year. Most years, especially in college, I definitely would have said the same. But 2018 was a larger change than I ever would have asked for sincerely. It wouldn’t have helped if someone had told me how hard it would be, but looking back I am so thankful that it was too difficult to do alone. The people I’ve met, and…
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