May 23, 2019
Looking back on the last three months of waiting, I am so thankful that I’m not the one in charge. Even just this last month God has shown me so many things about myself. God is so actively moving in the stillness. I had realized that I constantly reflect and mirror myself to the people and situations going on around me. I was able to start questioning that reflex and very actively working against it. Picture always needing to feel approval and striving for it whenever it is not felt. So in situations that are predictable and comfortable it is generally easy for me to do this, but now picture being in a place with completely new people, a new language and a completely new and unknown set of expectations. If the Lord had not orchestrated and used this extra time in Minnesota I would still be dealing with this burden everyday. The amount of constant stress I would have been subjecting myself to would have removed any joy from my life and replaced it with worry.
I also realized that I make myself responsible for how everyone around me is feeling. If someone seems sad, lonely, angry or bored I thought it was my fault and also my personal responsibility to do something about it. There's nothing wrong with meeting the needs of others but the fact that I blamed myself for their emotions, and the amount of stress and anxiety I got when I didn’t act immediately, was not healthy.
Knowing both of these things about my subconscious allowed me to start replacing my need to always act perfectly and my self imposed responsibility for other people's feelings with the truth. I do not need to change how I act around different people in order to earn their approval and I am not personally responsible to make everyone happy. I’m so thankful God gave me this extra time in order to begin finding who I am in Christ, not who I am to everyone else.