February 13, 2019 (Part Two)
Sometimes I question “why me.” It seems like almost anyone would be better equipped to serve overseas. It hasn't helped that in the last year I have become aware of a new medical diagnosis and repressed trauma. I tell God how damaged I am and that I am hopeless and useless. That His and my time would be used better elsewhere. That I can just lay down and never get up and He can find a much more useful vessel for His love. Even my prayers make me hate myself. Sometimes they are so selfish I want to take them back and just tell Him that it’s going to be a loss this quarter, to give up because it’s too far gone to redeem and I don’t have the heart to tell Him I failed Him again. Everything feels like it’s an excuse, too little too late. I know I’ll never be enough and every time I come up a little short it’s just a conformation of what I already believe. When my core belief is that I have to earn my value, being told that I am loved and enough just doesn’t fit. But every time without fail, after I pour out my heart and cry all the tears I have I am filled with warm love. It’s unlike anything else, it’s the comfort of safety, no person or place can give me. The depression I was filled with was slowly lifted and suddenly there is a peace I had only dreamed about. It’s the security that I am held and my worth has nothing to do with my performance. I don’t have to know the answers because I am enough.