Welcome to Part Two of our Goer Essentials Series, where we’ve asked Goers to sound off on the essentials to thriving in life overseas. In today’s article, we cover experiencing loneliness and how Goers have wrestled through it on the field.. 

GOER ESSENTIALS:  10 ESSENTIALS TO THRIVING IN LIFE OVERSEAS

For this Goer Essential series, we surveyed 25 Goers who are serving two-year global placements in 10 different countries on 4 continents.  These articles are your chance to hear directly from Goers as they share their triumphs, best practices, amusing gaffes, and deep experiences of learning to live, thrive, and make an impact while immersed in a new culture!

About the author:  David Gee served for two years in a GoCorps placement in North Africa serving refugees from across the middle east.  In this Goer Essential series, he shares his own experiences alongside the stories and lessons learned of Goers serving all over the world using their unique skillsets and training to fight injustice, serve the oppressed and share the Good News of Jesus Christ.

Part 2: Loneliness

While loneliness can often go hand in hand with culture shock (which we had our Goers sound off on in another article), it’s also an entirely different battle. Culture shock is often a battle based on what is found right in front of you, namely a culture, a country, or a language that finds unexpected ways to get under your skin and make you uncomfortable. Whereas loneliness is a battle based on what is lost, namely the presence of friends and family, of being known, and having a clear place to fit in a community. I personally remember feeling it like bricks in my stomach around Christmas time, or anytime I hung up the phone with my little sister.

Even when ministry and language learning is going sublime and you're slowly starting to get a grip on the rhythms and quirks of your new community, loneliness still lingers. Here are some ways our Goers are both identifying in and learning to wrestle with it:

My first tip would be to dive headfirst into language learning

I figured this wouldn’t affect me, but it’s definitely real.  My first tip would be to dive headfirst into language learning; helping you to relate to the people around you.  Also, it’s important to keep contact with people from home that care about you and are encouraging.

-Aaron, Italy

As Aaron said, loneliness is best tackled on two fronts: 1) by stepping deeper into the host culture, and 2) by still cultivating some meaningful relationships back home. However, many Goers also commented on the nuance of trying to maintain both of those worlds, and the need for discretion and moderation of not leaning so much on old relationships that we never fully enter into our new communities.

Rosie in Costa Rica identified this well and even took steps against it, she told us:

Sometimes, too much of calling your friends and family back in the states can create a distraction from building community where you are, or it will just heighten feelings of sadness if you're already feeling pretty sensitive about missing them. That's why it's important to know how you are, and how you'll react. For example, I still don't hang up pictures of my family, because it still just makes me feel overly sentimental, and I want to focus on where I am!

Building community where you're at really helps combat loneliness and homesickness because you are creating a home where you are.

Building community where you're at really helps combat loneliness and homesickness because you are creating a home where you are. I read in a book that someone's biggest regret after their first year of living overseas was, "not just trusting people more, and inviting them into [their] home after having met them even just once." I love inviting people into my home. Sometimes they might just come over once or twice, or only every few months, and it might be obvious that we're going to be just acquaintances. But it's still nice to have someone to chat with. The deeper, closer friends will take more time - that's why it's so important to pay attention to where you're investing, but it’s so worth it in the end. Even if it felt like nothing paid off, or if everything crashed and burned I still trust that God is using everything somehow.

-Rosie, Costa Rica

In addition to knowing yourself, as Rosie said, another key to dealing with loneliness is making sure you’re giving yourself the space and permission to feel lonely, bringing it to the Lord, and even allowing it to push you more towards your local friends and teammates. Liz in Northeast Africa comments on this: 

I had never experienced homesickness before and I had traveled a lot, so when it hit this year it was tough. Honestly, letting myself cry and actually miss people was way more helpful than trying to ignore or deny those feelings. I tried to tell my local friends how I was feeling but more often than not they didn't understand. Sharing with other American friends on the field was probably the most helpful, as they had either already experienced it or were currently going through it with me. Wherever you are, you are going to be lonely and definitely homesick at times. During those days, weeks, or months, take the time to call your family and be honest with your friends in your new country. Present your thoughts and emotions to the Lord, for He is ultimately who and what your heart craves - He will sustain you!

-Liz, Northeast Africa

Present your thoughts and emotions to the Lord, for He is ultimately who and what your heart craves - He will sustain you!

Another key aspect to working through loneliness is leaning on resources your org can provide. Namely counseling and member care, which are essential to processing your time overseas, adjusting, and thriving. Hannah in Zambia offers her experience: 

I am the only single, twenty-something on my team. Even though my team is fantastic, loneliness still happens. On top of that, I am usually the only one with my political opinions. It can be hard to feel alone and what I have found helpful is to talk with someone. I have talked with my parents and my friends from back home and it has been helpful to talk with people who know me deeply. I also talk with someone from our organization once a month. My organization has a pastoral care team which is basically a fancy way of saying a counselor/therapist. Talking with my counselor once a month who is part of the organization but not part of our team has been very beneficial in alleviating loneliness and working through culture shock. It’s also important to build community and relationships in your country. I’ve started to build relationships with other western missionaries in our area. This helps with loneliness and homesickness. One thing I do as well is trying to stay in the moment as much as possible. I try not to think too far in the future but try to stay present in the day to day. This keeps my perspective on God and his grace and direction for that day and not just on the future.

-Hannah, Zambia

And finally, it’s important to remember that loneliness can, and will pass. Sometimes it’s a matter of seeking a space to vent and process, and other times it’s simply a matter of riding it out.

Much like the culture shock, loneliness here has come in waves. You pretty much just need to expect that it's gonna happen. Having local community though, is a huge piece of navigating cultural adjustment and loneliness. As has been recommended to me, I would pass along the advice to make connections outside of your team. Depending on the context, that can be more or less difficult, but feeling connected to your local community beyond just your teammates can help make where you are feel more like home.

-Maggie, Spain

Conclusion

Loneliness can be one of the biggest hurdles to adjusting to life overseas, but even in the midst of our heartache God is not absent and has tons he wants to teach us and show us of himself. Thanks to the Goers for sharing their stories and reflections so openly, and stay tuned for the rest of our Goers Essentials series where we’ll unpack everything from language learning, to airport survival and more.

Some Takeaways:

• Loneliness can and will pass.
• Loneliness is often best tackled by diving in, building community and learning the local language.
• Like all our cares and concerns we should bring loneliness to the Lord, press into Him and remember He promised to always be with us. (Matthew 28:20)

Want to dive a little deeper? Check out these Goer blogs related to loneliness:

• Dear Griever, You Are Not Alone - Hannah, Mexico
• Community - Liz, North Africa
• One Year Later - Alexander, Middle East
• My Letter to Future Goers - Abby, Southeast Asia

Check out other blogs in this series here.