10/21/23 - Senior Year of College
I’m frantic. Juiced up on adrenaline. There’s no thoughts, just a one track determination.
We’re tied and we need to win this game. If we don’t, we’ll miss playoffs for the second year in a row. Win. That’s all that matters to me as I’m scanning the field, trying to get organized on defense.
Then, the other team’s centerback plays a desperate ball over my defender's head that would have been out of reach for most people. Not me though. Exhilarated, I rush towards the ball. Their winger’s chasing it, but it doesn’t matter, I know I’ll get there first. I do. I head the ball away. And, a knee comes flying through my face.
When I woke up, I didn’t remember what happened. I still don’t. What I do remember is the emotions. The panic, the confusion, the grief. The desperate need to win that game.
I watched helplessly as the last five minutes ticked off the clock. We didn’t score. We didn’t make the playoffs. And, as the panic faded away, a cloudy mourning remained. No thoughts, just me staring at my locker, full of melancholy.
Why tell that story?
Not once during that experience did I remember who I had dedicated that game to. He had stayed in the backseat, where I had put him in a hopeless bid to win. Chasing my desires, I left Jesus behind to go win a soccer game. The result? Pain and brokenness.
I've never been able to control my passion on the soccer field or anywhere else. But, God can. Since that moment, He has helped me so much to care and fight and bleed, but still honor Him beyond just sports. No matter what I’m doing, I will always have that passion and it will always threaten to consume my faith. And so, I pray desperately for God to make HIM my passion.
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Jeremiah 18:3-4 So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
That was the first time that God used a concussion to give me a blank slate. It was a very peaceful time for me. Little work, less thoughts and lots of time for God to reshape me into the person I am becoming.