Learning a new language feels like folding your brain in half. There are so many instances where it feels like you have to throw out reason and just accept what seems illogical. In our native language, we have accepted certain ways and patterns of saying things as logical. When you learn a new one, you have to learn the logic of your language, which sometimes seems contrary to your own.
Learning language requires extreme humility, especially when you are living in the new country. You are a full-grown adult, yet you are reduced to the speaking ability of a toddler. I’m learning words for food, family, shapes, colors, common adjectives and verbs, and yet I still have no idea what people are saying most of the time. On a daily basis, I have to say, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand”. On a daily basis, I have to try to speak sentences, making mistakes and making a fool of myself in the process. On a daily basis, I have to be comfortable with the possibility of failure for it is the only way to learn.
Language learning also requires the ability to laugh at yourself, which I am not always good at. The other day, I was introducing myself to someone, and instead of saying “my name is Christa”, I said “my Christa”. I honestly don’t think she heard me, but in the moment I was so irritated at myself. I had to tell myself to calm down, for if I get upset over every little mistake I make, I will get nowhere. A moment later, I was laughing at myself….”my Christa”, I really said that?? :). On another occassion, I walked into a store and found an item I wanted to buy. I wanted to ask the man behind the counter "what is the amount (how much is it)?", but instead I accidentally said, "what does this mean?". He gave me real funny look :D.
I’ve always hated the concept of failure, which is probably why laughing at myself has always been a struggle. I hate failing, and I hate trying just to fail. I want to be perfect, to do things perfectly, and I want others to see my successes. I want to hide my failures. Yet the Lord has been teaching me the past few years that failure is a necessary part of growth. We learn the most when we fail. In order to truly grow, we must first fall. Growth requires humility. In a way, this reminded me of what Jesus said in John 12:24: “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” Jesus was speaking about his death and following him in this verse, but it spoke ot me a lot about humility. Unless I am willing to die to pride and die to myself, I will not produce seeds in the kingdom. I think in the same way, if I am not willing to die to my pride and humbly try to speak in my new language, I will never make any progress.
So I'll continue this process of trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and succeeding, and trying a failing. :) I pray that as I do, the Lord will continue to work within me both a spirit of boldly accepting failiure and humbly pressing forward, learning to laugh at myself a little more each day.