When I started this whole process, I knew that part of what God was calling me to was simply to grow. To grow personally, in faith, in love, and in friendships, to simply grow. Of course, I knew it would be hard. At least, that's what I told myself. But I had no way of knowing hard it would really be. When I got to Mexico, I again heard God telling me he would grow me. I remember reading Isaiah 55:12 “You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands”, I saw an image when I read that scripture. It was a mountain, rocky, gray, rough terrain. It was a place you wouldn't usually have any vegetation on. Except on this mountain, there was. I saw a bright flower that was springing up from between a crack. As this flower bloomed, there was greenery that came with it, beautiful vines started to cover the mountain. I remember having two thoughts. The first is that I was meant to grow up in Mexico City. the second was that the Kingdom of God would also grow here. Mexico City is literally in between mountains. YOu look off in the horizon in almost any direction and you can see a mountain. I felt like it was this beautiful symbolic image that God gave me for both myself and Mexico.
I have been in Mexico City for 4 months now, which is crazy. But The past two months have been especially difficult. Part of that difficulty may be cultural frustration and simply being homesick. I was really missing home and all the little things, like going to H-E-B or driving to what-a-burger (can you tell where I’m from?). I was missing seeing open pastures and seeing a big beautiful blue sky. I missed my family, getting go home, hugging my mom and telling her about my day, and listening to hers. But it wasn’t just that. I was starting to get really down on myself. I felt like I was simply going through the motions. Simply doing what I had to because it needed to be done. I’ve dealt with depression before, but I was never in Mexico City, I was never a missionary in a different country. I felt sort of helpless and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like I was doing all of these things, but I wasn't seeing any results. I didn't feel like I was really growing in language learning. I felt like people were frustrated with me because I wasn't progressing on their time scale. That was probably more in my head than in reality, but it was still frustration. Mentally, I was in a very grey place. Even though I was doing devotionals and spending time quiet time with God, even talking to a spiritual mentor, I wasn't hearing God. I wasn’t feeling Him. That's a hard place to be.
That time was one of my mountains. Recently, someone asked me what God was teaching me through this experience. I remembered that He wanted me to grow. After that, I cried on and off the rest of the night. Since then God has been reminding me that I am growing and that is part of the reason I am here. In 2 Peter 1:8 NLT “The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ”. When I read this with the rest of the chapter, I am reminded that as I grow in Christ, others are also able to grow as well. Which is kind of mind-blowing and super cool. I am meant to grow in Christ. I know he uses every situation, no matter how difficult, to his glory.
I say this was ONE of my mountains because I know there will be more to come. This is only month 4 of 24. Even though they will be difficult and they seem kind of gray. I want to remain thankful because I know that God will show himself again and how much sweeter that will be after being in the gray of life.