Recently my wife and I hit a huge cultural milestone - we were used as mediators in an indirect conflict.
The culture we live in is very indirect. People are very hesitant to make explicit requests, and even more hesitant to bring up issues or complaints with people they are not yet close with. It is very common to instead make a complaint to a impartial third party, who can then reword the complaint into a polite request to the other person involved. The most important thing about this process is the desire to preserve relationships. This indirectness has been very difficult to adjust to, so successfully being involved in a conflict situation was such an encouragement! What follows is the story of our first experience being “asked” to be a mediator.
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As I mentioned in a previous post, we have been blessed over the past couple of months by the presence of two short term teams in our area. One member of the short term teams, a single woman named Julie*, spent her time here living with the woman whom my wife and I lived with our first few months here, Mrs. Lisa*! It has provided a really easy way for us to continue that relationship.
One day a few weeks ago we went over to Mrs. Lisa’s house for a quick visit to catch up and make plans for her to come to our house for dinner sometime soon. As we were chatting, Mrs. Lisa kept bringing up her observation that Julie always came home so late at night, and that this was causing her a lot of stress. (From our experience living with Mrs. Lisa, an older widow, we knew that she was a bit of a worrier and that she liked to lock the house up earlier than most.) Eventually she made the comment that, “maybe it would be better for all of us if Julie could be home before 10pm more often”. By the grace of God we correctly interpreted Mrs. Lisa’s intentions behind this comment, and my wife asked her if it would help if one of us told Julie that we thought it would be a good idea to start heading home earlier, or at least to send a message to Mrs. Lisa if she couldn’t make it back until late. Mrs. Lisa was so incredibly grateful for our offer, and didn’t bring the subject up again after that.
Later that night my wife sent a text message to Julie, explaining why we thought her habit of arriving home late at night was causing Mrs. Lisa so much stress, and suggesting that she make an effort not to stay out as late in order to show honor to her host.
Julie humbly accepted our advice, and all of our relationships grew stronger because of it. From a western perspective this is a very strange way to handle conflict. But it is effective in saving face, protecting other people’s feelings, prioritizing relationships, and (in this case) resolving the issue peacefully. For us to be trusted as the mediator in this process really made us feel like this culture is becoming our home.
--Richard
*note: names in this story have been changed
Photo by Virginia Choy on Unsplash