Since my last post, I feel like everything and nothing has changed. In November, time slowed down and I was fighting through a pool of molasses to get work done. It seemed like nobody was answering their phones, emails, or messages. I was stuck in this awful rut, and through it all, I forgot.
I forgot what it meant to pray. I got frustrated and closed myself off from God. I answered questions from others with grace, but struggled with confusion over lack of funding. I was fighting this battle where I knew that God had called me to this work, but He did not appear to be supplying in a proper fashion. Unfortunately, I would like to be able to say that I immediately recongized the spiritual warfare and turned to Scripture to combat my distance in my most important relationship, but I did not.
However, through it all, I can praise God. Yesterday I went for a walk where I poured out my heart with God. Notice that I was not talking to God. I had finally come to terms with what it meant to walk with God, and not continually feel like I am simply shoving my problems in God's face and walking away hoping that He would just fix it all.
In the book Touching the Soul of Islam that I was reading for required preparation work, I found this quote that brought me back to what my prayer life should be, "Prayer is about our calling on God whenever the need arises in the sure conviction that whatever is required will gladly be provided. Our heavenly 'Neighbor' will not allow the reputation of his kingdom for grace and generosity to be compromised.”
At the beginning of this support-raising journey, I had been operating under the idea that God would not let me fail in support raising because HIS name is on the line. HIS kingdom's reputation is at stake. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that our God- our Mighty, Precious, Gracious God- cared so deeply for me that he chose me to work for His Kingdom. He trusted that I would not mess this up, and that I would give glory to Him in it all.
So, in response to this, I cried out to God. I showed him my heart and asked Him to be with me. I sat and listened to his voice, expecting clear confirmation and blessings in that moment, but as a scattering of dead leaves fell to the forest floor all He said was, "My grace is falling on you." My immediate reaction was, "What. Are you kidding me? That's all you have to say for yourself?" (I've also learned I'm allowed to be mad at God. He can take my anger.) I sought more answers, but God chose to be silent again, so I walked away dismayed. Upon reflection, I realize that God is challenging me to accept His grace and return to Him again and again during this journey. Through every slow, frustrating day and through every fast, fruitful day.
Now, moving into December and the season of advent, I have been reconciled to God. He has shown me that He has grace for my weakness and struggles, and that my reputation is not the issue here. His reputation is of greater significance, and when it is on the line, He will show that He is greater.
As we prepare our hearts to remember the gift of Jesus Christ this Christmas, may you find peace and reconciliation with God and with others. May you remember that He will show his face in the most perfect moment, with far greater glory than we can imagine.
Picture Credit: Jess Roberts-Murray