I've always been a very sentimental, "I must keep this just in case I need it someday" kind of person (aka kind of a pack-rat but that's okay). So, naturally, there is a huge container of all of my past journals underneath my bed dating all the way back to '98. Something *slightly* weird that I like to do every once in a while is read through them. It is really cool to read my small-child thoughts and read prayers that I wrote in high school and college. It can be very cathartic to go back and see how much I've changed and how much God has worked in my life. With my launch date being so close(FIVE DAYS AWAY!), I decided to read through them one last time before I leave. I read all the way through my junior year of college without even tearing up, which is a pretty big deal for me, as anyone who knows me knows that I'm definitely what would be considered a crier. Then, I saw something that made me laugh so hard that I cried.
Written in the margin of some sermon notes from the summer after my junior year, when I was on summer mission with Cru, was
"I get really tired of people pushing world missions-makes me feel guilty that I don't feel called to the world".
This was written June 26, 2016. LITERALLY not even two months later, I was calling up my parents to tell them that I was thinking about doing missions somewhere overseas.
Just the idea that less than 2 years ago, the idea of doing this was so far out of my line of vision, that I wrote something like that is hilarious to me! This is such a testament to the Lord! This is just one of many ways He has completely changed me and my view of the world! He worked in my life to change my heart, to go from someone who was so focused on my career plan that I couldn't even begin to let the Lord change something, to a person who is willing to let the Lord lead me anywhere! Learning to trust in the Lord, letting go of the "control" that I thought I had over my career and future; it allowed me to find something even better--it allowed me to find the Lord and to know Him more intimately.
I don't share this because I think everyone is called to missions. Because not everyone is called to the world, and not feeling called toward something should never make you feel guilty. I share this for two reasons:
1. It's a super duper cool story of one of the ways God has worked in me and changed my heart
2. God can SO TOTALLY change your heart too!!! That means completely different things to different people- it doesn't necessarily mean He'd reveal what your next "move" is or that He'll fix you or your problems. As a previous blog post has told you, control always has been and probably always will be something that I struggle to give to the Lord. But during that summer, I learned what it truly meant to love the Lord and what it truly means when I say "Jesus loves me". Learning that helped me to give my whole life, even my career plans and my dreams for the future, to the Lord. And He Changed Everything.
So, my hope for anyone reading this is that they'd let God change their hearts. Because you will be in for a crazy ride if you do! A year and a half ago, when I wrote that in my journal, I never could have imagined what I'm about to do and where I'm about to go! I'm looking ahead to a two year adventure where I will surely learn even more about who God wants me to be and how I can give more of myself to Him!
God does crazy things with us when we make the choice to give Him our life and our heart.