Good evening friends,
I don't actually need to write another blog for a few weeks, but I just couldn't wait!
The last few days, weeks...(okay, longer)... I have been struggling with some serious fear and self-doubt. The past few days specifically, I have seriously been doubting that God will provide and that I am a worthy cause. I have not been able to bring myself to make phone calls or reach out to people because a little voice in my head has been telling me that I'm not good enough, that people won't care, and that it's too much money.
Some of these fears are...a tiny bit justified... Person after person has ignored my messages, people who were initially very interested have dropped off the face of the earth, and to top it off, this week an old peer from school who seemed very excited to hear about my ministry set a meeting with me and then...never came. And never gave an explanation.
However, guess what?! God is still good, and God is STILL PROVIDING! You see, I know the last 20% of my funding is out there. I have just been so overcome by fear, that I haven't even attempted to get it!
Last week I came up with a list of more than 80 people I could still reach out to. EIGHTY! That's nuts!
I know my lack of new supporters in recent weeks is not only due to this presence of crippling fear, but also due to my lack of radical faith. I started out in September telling skeptics, doubters, and naysayers that He will provide, but the last few weeks I've been telling people nervously, "Um, yeah! Planning to leave in, um, late February, uh, if the money comes in! Haha..."
Girl...where is your faith?!
One of my biggest fears has been making phone calls. It's currently 12:45am in this moment of revelation, so I can't make any calls right now, but I am believing and praying this same spirit of renewed hope, energy, and excitement will carry into tomorrow. I made lists tonight of what God has already provided, and what He will still provide. Sometimes we just need to stop, and take a look at all He has done. We get so wrapped up in moments and worries, that it's so easy to miss it!
At our GoCorps training in August, we were told to not say "no" for anyone until they had a chance to say it for themselves.
So, boldly, I will step forward. Boldly, I will reach out to these names, one at a time, until I get through them all. Some will ignore my contact attempts. Some will respond. Some will not want to meet. SOME WILL.
I am NO LONGER a slave to FEAR. I am a child of God, and I am not giving up.