“But as for me, I trust in you, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God’.” -Psalm 31:14
Those who know me well know that I am completely and totally my own worst critic. I often push myself into a cycle of setting high standards, missing the mark, and then spiraling into a state of self-shame until I finally remember that I am human and that it’s OK not to be perfect.
Six weeks has passed since the beginning of this support raising journey and I have undoubtedly found myself being caught under the currents of my own perfectionism multiple times for a variety of reasons.
I should have called more people today...I shouldn’t have taken so long to email that person...Now I’m way behind...Why do I keep messing this up?...How am I ever going to be successful once I’m in Rome?...If I even make it that far...
Sometimes, I half-jokingly say that I trust God to show up but that I don’t always trust myself to do the same. But does this lack of trust in myself not prove that I fail in trusting the Lord? That I wouldn’t step out because I am afraid of messing up, but really I am deeply afraid of God not meeting me where I go?
I do not write this to berate myself further, but rather to share the joyful (re)-realization that I don’t have to trust in myself. God already does, and even more than that, He is worthy of my entire trust, because even when I falter and stumble, he is always, always on top of it.
As I reflect on this, I am reminded of David, the man after God’s own heart, continually falling short, yet finding himself back in the grace of God time and time again. God used him to accomplish greater things, things that David had no personal strength to do alone, and David trusted in that. In this way, I want to become more like David.
So, friends, I ask that you join me in these final couple of months of support raising and preparation in prayer that my trust in the Lord would be centered on who he is and not who I am, and that everything I do would come from a wellspring of his love and strength, not my own.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6