I want to start off by saying that I love what I do. I love living in Mexico. I love my host family. I love being able to teach the most amazing group of young people that I have ever met. But, that does not at all mean that being a missionary is easy. There have been numerous times that I have wanted to call it quits and go home for good. There have been times where I have thought that my students would be better off without me as their teacher. There are days when I question why God brought my here at all.
This is the truth of being a missionary. This life is not all sunshine and rainbows. I think missions are like a roller coaster or one of those Smokey Mountain roads. You go up and down and never know what’s around the next corner. The world is full of surprises, and it seems like I am always surrounded by them.
Coming back this time was really hard for me. I was dealing with all sorts of homesickness. First, I got my approval for my temporary residency. That was great news! I was very excited! Unfortunately, that news also came with the realization that I no longer had an excuse to go home again until my two years are up. The whole reason I wanted the temporary residency in the first place was so that I wouldn’t have to go home as often. Plane tickets are crazy expensive. Facing this realization that I might not actually see my parents for a long time was extremely difficult.
Secondly, I felt like I had once again hit a road block in Spanish. I felt like my brain was no longer accepting the language. This is not the first time this has happened either. I felt the same way right before Christmas. When I first arrived in Mexico, I spoke basically no Spanish. Taking classes with a native speaker who doesn’t speak much English is a wonderful way to learn. However, it is also extremely difficult.
Those first few months leading up to Christmas break, I honestly didn’t think I would ever even be able to hold a normal conversation in Spanish. (Spoiler alert: I can now!) I came so close to just giving up. I remember numerous things that happened in that time that just kept building until I thought I would explode. I had someone ask me “Hey can you understand this?” Then they proceeded to speak in rapid fire Spanish using only words I didn’t know. This, of course, led to laughing when I admitted that I had no idea what they said. It was so frustrating.
Then, it seemed like every time I would try to speak Spanish after that, I could just hear their voices in my head laughing at me. I eventually had a huge mental block against the language and couldn’t even remember the words that I actually did know.
The good and bad things seem intertwined here, much more so than when I was living in my own culture.
This semester, I have been given a lot more responsibility. More than I would have ever thought I would be comfortable with. I teach two extra days at the school. Now, I teach a total of four days a week. I have a biweekly Bible study and accountability group. I have a missionary meeting once a month. Plus, I have any events that my family participates in. I also have Spanish class twice a week.
In addition to my normal schedule, I have also been given more responsibility at the school. I was asked to help be in charge of the science fair. (I’ve never participated in a science fair before, so the project was/is a little daunting.) I was also asked to co-lead summer school (I think I went to summer school for around two weeks, but I have no real memory of it.). Then, I was asked to come up with fun awards for one grade level of the school for the graduation ceremony. Finally, I was also put in charge of buying metro cards and candy for all the members of the summer team who arrived in June.
All this extra work is intense and a little bit scary. I know I can do it. God put me here for a reason, and He supplies me with what I need. But, it is still a bit overwhelming at times. Nothing is quite so overwhelming as realizing how many people I’m going to miss next year. I know of at least two families that are moving to different countries at the end of this summer. These are people that I interact with almost daily
Mexico seems like one big change and new responsibility after another. Being a missionary has really helped me to see that it’s not about what I can do. The focus should be on what God can do through me. If it were up to just me, I would have failed long before now. He has given me opportunities to let His love shine through me. I only hope that I am doing a good job of being his mirror.
I realize that this is probably not what you were expecting when you opened this blog post. Normally, I try to focus on the good things that happen just like it says to do in Philippians 4:8. I do think this is really important though. I read an article today entitled “10 Things Your Missionary Won’t Tell You.” I will probably share that before I post this blog. I think it is a really important topic. I love where I am. I love what I do, but nothing about this is easy. Learning a new language, profession, culture, family style, and forming new friendships are all difficult things. I’m glad to be where God put me. I wouldn’t trade this opportunity for the world, but being a missionary is also the most difficult thing I have ever done. I thought you deserved to know both sides of that.