In just ten short days, I will have lived in Berlin for a full year. That's pretty amazing. Over the past couple months, my emotions have sort of been on a roller coaster. There are so many different reasons...if you'd like for me to share them with you, I'd be happy to. But for the sake of keeping this blog under about a billion words or so, I think I'll maybe wait for you to ask me. Haha! So I'm a big journaler. I always have been. I'd like to share with you my latest journal entry. I think it sums up a lot of what has been going on in my head and heart for a little while. Also, let me just give a shoutout to Judah Smith and his amazing book, "How's Your Soul?" which is what I'm reading right now. I began my journal entry with a quote from his book. So here we go:
"An effective life can look back and say, 'My soul is full. I became who God made me to be. I did what God put me on this eath to do. I enjoyed life, I loved life, I made a difference, I had a full and fulfilled existence.'"
So you'd think, after all of my checked off bucket list items, that I would read that and think, "Yeah, I feel that way!" But the thing about bucket lists ...after I check one thing off, I can't wait to check off the next box. I feel like my life has become this weird waiting period in between each checked box. But I forget that bucket list items are exactly that. They are ITEMS. Moments in time. I still have to live the rest of my life in between those moments. I keep looking to these romantic moments and bucket list items to give me fullness of life. Things that I can do so that one day I'll look back and say, "Woah. I lived a full life. Look at all the countries I visited and unique experiences I had." Like Rose DeWtitt Bukater/Dawson at the end of Titanic. But the crazy thing is...those things won't bring me fulfillment of life. Yeah they will still be fulfilling moments and great experiences. And I'd rather have a lot of great experiences than none at all. But they still won't sustain me through the mundane parts of life. Who will sustain me? The Lord will sustain me. He is the one who gives me fulfillment. My soul is full when I do what God put me on this earth to do. So I was walking home tonight and I was listening to Sing Along by Christy Nockels. I remember being there when she first sang it at Passion. Tears were streaming down my face when I first heard it because I so desperately wanted to be a missionary in a place where hope and the gospel were not present. My soul so desperately wanted that and I was so frustrated that I couldn't do it yet because I was in college. Well guess what? I AM HERE. I'm doing it. I'm doing what God put me on this earth to do. I'm able to wrap my arms around children almost everyday who don't know Jesus. I am living in Europe. In one of the most unique, creative, and special cities in the world. But most importantly, a city that doesn't know who Jesus is. I am living inside a bucket list box right now! It's not something I can just check off and then wait for the next one. (Even though that's how I've been living.) I started crying as I was listening to the song and realizing all of that. I wanna copy down a Psalm that Judah wrote about. He explains how we should be fulfilled and satisfied by just being with God. WIth simply being held in His arms like a child is held in his mother's arms.
"O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and forevermore."-Psalm 131
I hope all of that made sense. My journal entries are normally all over the place...because my mind is normally all over the place. Above is a video of the song I was listening to that reminded me of my passion for missions.