So I'm here because I have a lot of feelings going on right now. I'm not totally sure what they are yet, though. Journaling/writing always helps me figure out my feelings. So here we go.
I'm in the middle of week 5 of support raising. In case you haven't already guessed it, support raising is hard. There's a large amount of helplessness that I feel. I've had all the training, I know what I'm supposed to do. But I still feel helpless. It's like that feeling you have when you have a massive paper to write, and all you can do is just stare at a blank Word document. You've done all the research you need to do. You know the format and all the requirements. You've procrastinated as much as possible. But for the life of you, you can't think of the words to type. That's the feeling I've had for the past 5 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I've been working hard. I've had a ton of appointments and met with a lot of different people. It's just this anxious feeling that is unshakable. My theory is (which I'm figuring out as I'm typing this) maybe I have a control issue? I've never thought of myself as someone who has to control everything in my life. I like to think of myself as a very easy going and laid back person. Everytime I think of someone who wants control over their life I think of an uptight, not laid back person. But maybe control doesn't have to do with your personality, maybe it's just a human thing. Everyone wants control over their own life. But how can you trust God fully when you are trying to control everything in your life? Whew. That's it. Holy Spirit, You did it again! (God is literally revealing this to me as I am typing this out. So congratulations on being able to experience this moment with me.) So many times through this whole process I've flippantly said, "I'm just trusting that God will provide!" But that was just lip service, while I was relying on myself for everything. Isn't it crazy how when the Lord reveals something to you, you're hit over the head at how far you have to go? How much you don't know? I think I've figured out the first words of that massive paper:
TRUST JESUS.
So you know that verse that everyone quotes and hangs in their house and embroiders on their pillows? Yeah, the one that's super popular that I have apparently become numb to? Yep. Proverbs 3:5. I've grown up with this verse. I hear it and see it everywhere. How could I have forgotten it when I needed it the most? "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I typed that from memory. Which means that I've had the answer to this anxiety and helpless feeling this whole time. I need to stop trying to raise support on my own. I need to trust in Him, my Provider.
But man. That's some good stuff. I don't know if any of that word vomiting made sense to anyone. So I'm really sorry if it was confusing. But God used it. His Holy Spirit convicted me of His truth and that's what matters! Maybe I should blog more. The Holy Spirit is definitely working through it tonight!