Since coming to Berlin, it has been difficult at times to remember exactly who I am. The instant I stepped off the plane in Berlin, everything changed from how things had been for the previous 22 and a half years. For the first time in my life, I moved to a new place. For my entire life I had lived in the same house in the suburbs of BaltimoreCity. Many of my childhood memories were made in my neighborhood. I went to school, attended church, and made lifelong friends in BaltimoreCounty. When I was 18 I attended York College of Pennsylvania and lived on campus there. This could be considered moving, but I was only 50 minutes away from home and could go home relatively easily whenever I wished (although my parents had to drive me back and forth the first two years). My freshman year I moved in on a Saturday, which my laptop's calendar tells me was August 28th. By Wednesday I knew that I was going to have to go home for Labor Day weekend. That week I felt trapped and alone. I felt like I was stuck in an elevator, and I desperately needed to get out and breathe. I did indeed go home, and there I was able to process all the new things I had experienced. After returning on Monday I felt better able to cope with everything that was going on around me and adjust to it, although I still struggled my freshman year due to essentially having no friends there and feeling almost entirely isolated. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically alone. The only place I felt happy was at home with my friends there. My motto to keep myself going was: “Just because you’re alone, doesn’t mean you are lonely.” That was a lie though. I was very lonely. However, my sophomore year I hit a stride of sorts, and God brought me into some great communities and put together some new ones that I was a part of, and these communities had a great impact on my life.
Here in Berlin, I am not physically alone. God has already placed me in some awesome communities here. I enjoy fellowship with a cohort of fellow ReachGlobal people who arrived here at the same time that I did, and together we have experienced the highs and lows of living and doing ministry in Berlin and being so far from our loved ones in the USA. God has also placed me with an awesome team of ReachGlobal staff, some who arrived only a few months before I did and others who have been here for some years. They have really helped me to adjust and have put me in a good position to live and work in a healthy way here, both through their teaching and their friendship. As a cohort we have leaned on each other, strengthened each other, and pushed each other in some very positive ways. But despite the team around me, and the people praying for me, I have felt the tension and the stress of being far from home. Some might call this culture shock. In the United States I generally know how things work. I know what will happen when I dial a phone, or cross the street. I know how different systems work together, and why. I know how bureaucracies operate, when the shops are open, how to receive packages, etc. Some things I know from experience, and other things I can guess based on how similar things are generally done. More than that, I knew my different roles and how I fit into a given situation. I was a leader in InterVarsity. I was quiet and closed off if I didn't know you, but if I did know you well I was talkative and practically outgoing. When I was with the people I did know well you could expect a steady stream of jokes (that hasn't changed too much, much to the chagrin of the cohort). I was also very laid back, not easily annoyed, and I think I generally responded to situations in a steady and wise manner. I very much knew who I was as a person, and the different roles I had in society and people’s lives.
Since I’ve been here, I have felt like a different person. I am much quicker to get annoyed. Often have I gone from totally normal to lashing out at others in the blink of an eye. This seems to happen when someone or something accidentally brushes against a sore spot. In the U.S. I would just file it away or forget about it. If it really bothered me I would maybe bring it up to them later, but rather than making me upset or angry it would just make me a bit depressed. I am also way more talkative. I think this is good in some ways. It has helped me to build relationships with my classmates, and even to talk to strangers. But other times, especially with my cohort, I seem to have no filter. With them I am constantly making jokes. I know that I do this because when people laugh at them, it builds up my confidence. Many times I make jokes without really intending to. Not that I sometimes say things that are unintentionally funny, But far too often I have said hurtful things when I have run my mouth. And no amount of laughing is worth that. So I have tried to curb back on that, but it is not so easy. I also am way more conscious of my emotions. This does have its positives, as I believe that sharing emotions with others is a good thing. But more often than not I have overly dwelled on the negative ones, and I have believed the lies I have told myself.
All of this has made me question who I truly am as a person, and why I am experiencing these things. And I have some thoughts on this. First, I think I am basically the same person. Being in a new situation has brought out some changes in me for sure, and I am going to have to sort through these changes and keep the good ones while removing the bad ones. A lot of these changes probably have to do with being in a completely new situation: Different norms, different language, and different people. Sometimes this feels overwhelming. I have also felt a deprivation of the roles I used to hold in society and among my friend groups. But I am essentially the same. I still want and desire the same things: strong community, loving others, loving God, and to be known. I think the desire to be known has been especially important. I truly want people here to know the real me, and so sometimes I have almost no filter in what I say or feel. But at the same time, I think I am afraid to be truly known. I am afraid that if the people around me knew the real me, they would abandon me and I would be alone here in Berlin. These aren’t necessarily conscious things that I had thought about until recently, but I wonder if they were in the back of my mind somewhere. So when a sore spot is accidentally brushed against I recoil due to that fear, even though I want to be known. So it is a dualism that I am going to have to figure out. I know that no one is going to abandon me. But my emotions still need to be convinced. Perhaps this is an area where prayer is sorely needed. Through all of this, I think I am starting to put the pieces back together of who I am as a person. I have started again to make choices for the sake of others rather than for myself. I have been able to trust my teammates more easily than before. I might even feel a little refined, as though going through the fire has made me stronger in my convictions and has made making the right choices easier. This is certainly not to say that I am doing everything right or everything is good now. I could easily just be in a smooth patch right now, and next week I’ll be right back in the pit. But I think I have made some great strides, and it is obvious that God has been working with me. I look forward to seeing what kind of person I will become.
I am now 6 months through my time here in Berlin, which means I am 1/4th of the way through. Despite everything I said above, I love being here. I love the people here. A couple weeks ago a colleague asked me that if I could up and go home right now no strings attached, would I? And I said no, I absolutely would not go home. I didn’t hesitate for a second. There have been plenty of struggles as I have said above. But compared to when I was 1/4th of the way through my college career, I am in a much better place. I have made lifelong friends, I am doing good work, and I am a part of strong communities. Sure the stakes are higher and the challenges greater, but I am in a far better place than I was then. But I want even more for the remaining 3/4ths. I want my life here to take off like it did at YorkCollege. I want to make even more friends, get involved with more people; join more communities. I want to go from being planted in a pot to being planted by streams of water (Psalm 1). I want to become interconnected into the living system that is Berlin. I want to see people come to know Christ. I want to see lives transformed.
Please be praying for all these things. I will be praying for you.
God Bless,
Robby