Although I have always enjoyed writing assignments and writing in my journal, I have never thought to publicize any of these thoughts, but as I step out into the word and begin my travels through Southeast Asia, I know that this will be a good way to keep in touch with friends and family.
Although I have not left to go yet, I can see how God has been preparing me for this journey all along.
This summer was a roller-coaster of emotions, trials and triumphs. I’ll share with you one of the many things that has defined this summer and prepared me for what is to come.
Wednesday morning was the morning of the dreaded NCLEX (which the licensing examination for nurses is; otherwise known as state boards). I was extremely nervous about this because this was not my first time taking the NCLEX, but my second. I had prayed a lot about what was to come and also studied my tail off for the past few months so that I could pass before heading overseas.
After 256 questions and 5 hours of sitting at a computer, this peace did not seem to be as present as it was while walking into the exam. The NCLEX is a series of ridiculously hard (and sometimes impractical) questions that are supposed to diagnose your ability to “critically” think as a nurse. This is the test that every single question is right but you have to pick the BEST answer… OR every question is wrong, but you have to pick the MOST wrong. The computer program is designed to shut down at any given point between question 75 and question 256. This round, the computer didn’t shut off until 256.
Needless to say, I was stressed out and a little bit angry. Both with myself and with God.
“Why would God put it on my heart to work as a missionary nurse, when I can’t even pass this stupid exam!?”
After calling the main person that I call in times of stress (my mom), she reminded me of the fact that right now I need to TRUST GOD. Because:
- He is sovereign
- He holds my life in His hands
- He is bigger than this test
- Ultimately it is His will and not mine
What a glorious and amazing gift I have been given through the grace of Jesus Christ! Right now, I don’t know what my future holds but I do know that the Lord has a plan!
(by the way, I PASSED!!!)
It is clear to me that emotions are extremely fleeting. When we are overwhelmed by our emotions, they feel like they could change the course of this life or ruin everything. When you are emotional, you don’t always thing straight and it is definitely hard to understand the greater things that are at work within our hearts.
Bless the Lord for these struggles in my life, that I could be more disciplined, more humbled, and ultimately a lot more reliant on Him.
I guess I will have to see what the future holds. As I sit here counting down the days until my departure, I experience great joy knowing that he holds my future.
As it says in the famous old song, “Because He Lives”:
“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, I know, He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives.”
Praise God because He lives.
He holds the future.
May He be Glorified now and forever!