"I think- I don't know- but I think I could be brave enough." (Lucy, from C. S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe)
I told my mom when I was a little girl—five to be exact—“I want to be a missionary when I grow up.” Honestly, I don’t even remember it—as far as I know, I have always had a burning desire to be somewhere else, where there are people who have never heard the name of Jesus, and to proclaim Him there. I’ve always wanted to go, and I’ve always known that desire was from the Lord.
I took a class called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement that challenged me with a harsh truth: the most Unreached of any world religion are in the Muslim world. And that is where the fewest missionaries are. God then challenged me with a response: go to Muslims! I was reluctant, I was biased, and honestly, I was NOT brave enough. But I said yes, and I started to pray. As I walked with the Lord and prayed through the next year of college, God kept encouraging me to fear Him more than I feared anything or anyone else.
Then, last summer after a season of prayer for the Middle East, I prayed and asked the Lord to keep the Middle East on my heart and on my mind. He responded with an urgent and clear understanding that I would be in the Middle East someday. I was terrified, and proceeded to tell God very plainly about all of my fears. But He responded with His ever present “fear Me more.”
Later, in the process of applying to go overseas with GoCorps, I was looking at placements that offered all kinds of great options for me, and for Christopher (my boyfriend at the time, now husband). I had ideas about what I thought was “doable” for us—and moving to the Middle East in our first year of marriage was definitely too scary to be one of them. God had been painfully unclear on the subject, always responding to my asks with “be still before the Lord,” and “take delight in Me.” So I delighted in His presence and waited.
As I prayed and asked for confirmation about whether the Lord wanted us to go for two years, I couldn’t stop thinking about the placement in the Middle East. That’s all that I wanted. ‘Why, Lord?” I asked, “why is all I desire to go to the Middle East?” Then the words of Psalm 37:4 came to me: “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” God had been faithful to give me the desire to go when I was a little girl, and now He gives me the desire to be in the Middle East—how can I deny what is so clearly of Him? He said next, “do not be afraid to marry Christopher and move to the Middle East.” So I have, and we are. I’m trusting that as long as I can fear Him more, He’ll make me brave enough.