A few months ago I had a meeting with my sending organization about reevaluating my launch date. Due to some issues with getting my passport/application, I am no longer going to be launching this month. Everyone told me this is a good thing. That now I can afford to pump the brakes and slow down, but I just couldn't see it. Furthermore, I couldn't see why this is happening. Of course, I understand all the logistical reasons. I understand getting my passport, submitting applications, and money are the reasons why I’m not there, but I still wondered why God allowed this. Now, I not only have to wait to leave but I also have to find a job to pay for student loans in March and still try to prepare on top of that. We all know God, He’s capable of pulling every string imaginable to make getting me there super easy. So why didn’t He?
A common goal in conversations this month was for me to see this delay as a gift. As an opportunity to spend more time with my loved ones and tie up any loose ends I may have. While those are amazing things to do, and I want nothing more than to leave the states feeling good about where my relationships and endeavors are at, I still couldn’t help but see this all as something negative. I spent a lot of time either walking around my neighborhood or laying on my floor staring at my ceiling asking God for any sort of insight on what was going on, and each time I got one of two responses. I’d either hear, “Be still and know I am [in control].” or was reminded of the song Manna by Chris Renzema.
With the first response, the conversation would typically look something like this. I’d say, “Please tell me what I can do! I don’t want to wait around to learn what is going to happen” and I’d hear in some way, “You don’t have to do anything. Just sit back, I got it.” I’m going to level with y’all, that is my least favorite response from God.
All I want is a “do x, y, and z and then this will happen” so bad. But I find often, that isn’t how He works. There’s a line in that song I mentioned that really sums up what I’ve been feeling this month. In the first verse, it says, “It feels like forty years since I saw that burning bush, and even longer still since I felt the heat from that flame if I'm being honest with You I sure hoped there'd be a few more of those along the way but I still believe You're here even in the waiting,” then in the chorus, “Even when I lost, my taste for manna, it comes from Heaven all the same.”
Those conversations with God and those lyrics helped me to realize my anxiety wasn’t just from my launch date being delayed, but because I had lost my taste for manna. I became blind to the ways God was providing for me. About an hour before writing this, I went on a walk to reflect on my life and all the things that led up to this season in my life, and it kind of hit me, I shouldn’t be here. Not like a “I don’t deserve this” shouldn't be here but a “I shouldn’t have made it past four days old” kind of shouldn’t be here. Every day that I lived with half of a heart and every day my immune system did not attack this current heart is evidence enough that God has and will provide for me. This month I didn’t get any answers for why my trip was delayed, but what I did get was a very needed posture check. A reminder that even when I struggle to see God move, He always is.