I’m so freaking scared.
How many times have I written that sentence in my journal over the last year? How many times before I traveled to the Czech Republic alone for a vision trip? How many times after I said yes to moving there for two years? How many times as I’ve done trainings? How many bazillion times as I’ve been fundraising?
I’ve written it too many times to bother counting, and it was true every time. You wouldn’t expect God to send someone who’s struggled with anxiety for twenty years onto the mission field. Or at least, I didn’t expect it. His ways are above our ways though, and I’m so grateful to have been called into this work. When I arrive in Hradec Králové in the Czech Republic, I’ll be teaching kids English and leading afterschool activities, summer camps, and most importantly Bible studies. I might be scared, but I’m also incredibly excited. Getting to experience a new culture, and a new language, and real winter will be incredible for this Florida woman.
I tend to be a very future-focused person, hence the tendency to both anxiety and excitement. But when I reflect on the past, I’m so grateful to be where I am. It took me a while to hear God’s call on my life to full-time ministry, and the years spent trying and failing to get established in a secular career were painful. But now I know where I’m going, at least for the next two years. I’m still scared, and I’ll probably start a hundred more journaled prayers by letting God know it. But He is good, and just because my nervous system didn’t get the memo doesn’t mean it’s not true.
I think God knew that I would be scared because He knows that’s been a struggle for me. I was at training with my sending org for most of October, and their most recently adopted tagline is “Defy fear.” I guess God knew I needed to hear it. And now I’ll speak it over any potential Goers reading this. Choose to defy fear and follow Jesus. You’ll be better for it.