For the first time in the many months of outreaches, no village could take us or they continued to cancel. I wore every no and cancelation, because we had asked for a break but we were asked to continue. I was afraid of the thoughts of the team and those in leadership over me. I was afraid of their disappointment. This was a very lonely and anxious time as I feared man. I lost the vision of why I am here and even why I am in this position. It’s crazy to think something so simple and out of my control made me falter so much. I didn’t even know how far away my vision of working had become until His still calming voice spoke amongst the raging sea. He whispered, “I see you, and I will give you the rest in which you need. Because Lauryn I love you. I desire your health, your rest, your healing. You have nothing to prove to me, I know you.” Man was not made for the Sabbath but the Sabbath for man. For the first time it’s like heart and head connected on His Authority over my life. I can trust He will take care of me. He is THE King over all and His choice is always for our good and His glory. Seeing His kindness, I grew to understand the grief I had caused for looking elsewhere for my worth and fulfillment. I just wanted someone to say wow girl you did that and I am proud of you. Fear of man is a sickening thing, as it is hardly ever satisfied and always leaves you striving for more. I hurt for the way I had chosen man over Him.
We had a time of praying over one another towards the end of the outreach and tears were definitely spilled. One of the women on the team looked at me and said “Lauryn don’t fight the LORD’s peace.” Wow, the previous night I cried out asking for the LORD’s forgiveness in fighting His no to try and prove to everyone else He had said no.
Then a little back story, for the last almost two years the armour of God has been huge through this season. I noticed I only seemed to use my shield but never my sword. I’ve always pictured GOD as a gracious GOD but often forget He is also the GOD of justice. I asked the LORD to help me use this sword and use it well for the past couple of months. Without knowing this the SBS leader said, “Lauryn I don’t know why but I feel like the LORD is saying that He is seeing you use your sword.” There was literally no way she could have known that. It was something just between the LORD and I. I hadn’t told anyone. This was the biggest warmest hug from the Father.
So moral of the story, as always the LORD is forever faithful and trustworthy