It was some of the hardest months of my life--and I would do it all again. I faced culture shock, loneliness, language-learning burnout, interpersonal conflict, feelings of failure, hating my city at times, doubts about God, depression, anxiety, hopelessness... and I would do it all again. I am not the same person that left America 2 years ago. I'm more vulnerable. I'm more emotionally mature. I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I've seen more of what I'm made of and more of who God is (even through having many beliefs about him crumble). I see people differently. I see the world differently. I don't want to sound like, "everything is better and more magical now," because it's not. I see more brokenness in myself and the world than I ever have. I have no idea what I'm doing in the next few months. I still have a lot of questions about God. But I know I'm not the same, that I've grown and changed for good. I've made deep friendships and seen amazing places and experienced new cultures. So yes, it was really really hard sometimes, but I would do it all again.
If I'm being completely honest though, I struggled a lot with the hard. I wanted to have amazing time, and more importantly I wanted to be amazing. I hoped I'd fit right in and love my city instantly and never want to leave and live there for the forseable future. Unfortunately for my expectations and my ego, God had other plans. I cried a lot in the first few months. I felt lonely and overwhelmed. I struggled with aspects of the city I lived in like the trash everywhere or being stared at wherever I went or the lack of green. I overthought the implications of these first months: did this mean I wasn't suppose to stay long term? am I a failure? I reached a massive low around the 1-year mark and was extremely depressed. I decided not to come back long term after my 2 year term and started counting down the months until I left. I say all this not to scare anyone (hopefully), but to be brutally honest about my experience in the hopes of helping someone else adjust their expectations or make an informed decision or know they're not alone if their time overseas looks or feels anything like mine. It's hard, and that's okay. But for me, it was also so worth it to experience what I experienced and learn what I learned and grow in the ways I did.
So, my dear future Goer, if you ask me, I think you should do it, and know that you cannot fully prepare for what will happen to you but you will change nonetheless. If you find yourself 3 months on the field, crying as you stare out your window to a city that's not yet familiar thinking you can't possibly leave your apartment today, or a year in thinking, "what have I even done? what do I have to show for this?", or a year and a half in feeling guilty that you're not in love with your country and maybe are a little excited to leave, or in your last week on the field wondering what the purpose of it all was, you're in good company.
Some practical advice
- Don't put so much pressure on yourself. To fundraise as fast as possible, to know what you're doing, to never make a mistake, just let it all go as best you can and trust that God is in control.
- Name your expectations, evaluate them, and acknowledge the inevitable disappointments.
- Ask for help! We've all been there. We all need help.
- Buy things that you really enjoy. For me, that meant going and getting boba every now and then, buying good oat milk, and getting decorations even though I knew I was leaving in 2 years. Don't feel guilty about doing things that make it easier for you to keep living there and doing your work.
- It can be really helpful to get out of context/country every now and then.
- Sometimes, when it feels like everything is crumbling around you and you hate everything, you might just need to eat and sleep.