I had a very full Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve, I spent the night with a family that has 2 little girls, 6 and 8. They left stuffed animals on my bed (pictured above) because they didn’t want me to sleep alone and woke me up at 7am, insisting I opened the first gift. After opening all the presents, having breakfast, and building some Legos, I went to the next gathering. I had Christmas brunch with my fellow childless or “unaccompanied” teammates before heading to Christmas #3: a team Christmas party. There, we had dinner, played games, and I found out I have a decent tee off in marshmallow and candy cane mini golf. I’m grateful I had a full Christmas day surrounded by people rather than alone, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult and painful. I spent the last 2 hours of the Christmas party with tears in my eyes waiting for the moment I could go home and let it out. When I finally got home around 9:30, I called my parents and cried to them before bed.
I think it was a “straw-that-breaks-the-camel’s-back” kind of situation. My camel’s back unfortunately broke on Christmas day, but the stack had been growing for some time. It likely included:
- making a huge life change
- living alone for the first time
- saying goodbye to everyone I knew
- a war happening ~80 miles away
- having the communication skills of an infant
- Arabic verbs (There are at least 32 forms for each verb… probably more.)
- so many small adjustments to a new culture that I don’t even notice
I kind of knew it would come, and yet when I really sat under the weight of the loss, stress, and overwhelm, it knocked the wind out of me. I’ve realized I’m a little like a hermit crab without a shell right now: exposed, vulnerable, soft, and without anywhere to hide. I’m experiencing so many changes and newness and sometimes it’s incredible… But sometimes I am weak and broken, confused and lonely, vulnerable and soft. I’m trying to be okay with being these things.