April has been a whirlwind of long days, feeling somewhat normal, different sicknesses, always being tired, and slowly but surely getting adjusted. My days are starting to look more consistent which I enjoy but on top of that I feel so much more busy. I never have a sense of time or what day it is and I constantly feel like I am forgetting everything. I have stopped getting lost all the time and am finally not turned around based on which side of the street I'm on. I am encouraged by my progress in adaptation to culture, language (kinda), ability to give myself and receive grace, plus still finding time to rest and practice self-care. I am starting to use the small amount of language I know and have lessons everyday to practice and build on what I am learning. I go to language school 2 days a week, and have a language helper the other 3 days. I spend an hour and a half each day with them, both are sweet women and speak a good amount of English. I study outside of class, and try to practice with anyone I meet (really just listen to locals talk.) The language has been very hard to learn but I am really grateful that I have the opportunity to fully emerge in culture while learning it. I feel like I can do almost anything on my own now and am not afraid to try and do things by myself. Things I started off scared of, I now really enjoy and it is a really beautiful sense of freedom and growth. I am learning so much about myself, my capacity, and Jesus’ love for me.
While I am enjoying my time here so much and am so thankful, I am not the person to shy away from the hard stuff. It is often very isolating, frustrating, and lonely to live in a foreign place. I have gotten sick many times and call my nurse (mom) to tell me what to do or take. Hard things from the past continually get brought up and many tears have been shed with my team leader. Very normal things happen here but feel more intense because you don’t understand the language of what's going on around you. It is very hot and is supposed to get much hotter. I have received quite a few marriage proposals from taxi drivers and have almost gotten out of one. Holidays are sweet but hard because I miss my family and my church. I am constantly asking myself questions such as: “What is making you upset or angry? What is the root behind it? What about this is making you emotional? Is this due to your own sin? Am I living in a state of forgiveness? Am I living out my own freedom in Christ?” Yes I know, wow! Praise God for CIT, I am so amazed at the things I learned there that I remember continuously throughout my time.
Many people ask me what my home and host family is like, they are precious but they want to do everything for me. It is hard because I want to learn the way of life here but often it feels hard to insert myself in certain situations. I have had to really humble myself while living in this culture, I am learning that nothing is mine but ours. They are so kind and attentive and I know I will be sad to leave them. Apai Muhabbat is the ideal host mother, she has a healthy family and is kind to everyone who walks through her gate. She has 7 children, and 19 grandchildren with one on the way. On average there are usually 10 or more people over at all times and it is loud! My host brother Ayub is so funny and I had the opportunity to bring him to frisbee with me the other night! They feed me well even if my body does not always accept the food. I really miss being able to bake in a kitchen and host people, something I didn’t realize I valued so much until I did not have the privilege anymore. I interact with them as much as I can while I am home whether that is trying to help wash dishes, playing with the kids, teaching them to throw the frisbee, or just sitting with them at dinner and practicing the language I have learned.
I have been journaling about the desires of my heart that have been brought up since arriving, one of those is a desire for deep friendships and community here. A lot of the expats are busy and established in ministry, which is where I want to be eventually but need people who speak my heart language to grow alongside. I have made a few great friends and our time has been really sweet, plus I have an amazing team. I am excited to meet locals and see what friendships the Lord already has established for me here. On Wednesdays me and my friend Paige have been knocking off things we want to see or do in the city, this has included many restaurants, the zoo, and a museum. Being single has gotten me invited over to an expat family’s house for dinner and I am prayerful for more relationships like this to build. I have loved hearing everyone's stories of how the Lord has led them here. I am learning that building friendships takes time and our ultimate friend and giver of friendships is Jesus. How I feel towards God is not based on my circumstances or emotions surrounding me but of what He has done for me. On Saturday nights we have fellowship and I have started really enjoying the simplicity of gathering with people from all over the world that are here to do the same thing as me. I am learning that my mind is so small and westernized and our God is so big. I have found a couple places that I really like to go to study and work at, and even play volleyball and ultimate frisbee on Sunday nights! I have started working in the clinic about once a week for a few hours putting eye drops and ointment in patients' eyes for their eye injections! It is super fun and I love just getting to interact with the patients, I will also start helping file charts soon! Me and my teammate Kate have been studying through some scripture topics for the doctors to share with the clinic staff. I also went on the clinic staff retreat and babysat a lot of kiddos so that the staff could focus on the lessons, it was exhausting but I am thankful I could go help and I hope it helped strengthen the staff as a team. Without language it can be hard to feel like you are doing any “ministry” but as I reflect back just on this month alone, I see purpose in why the Lord has brought me here.
Psalm 23 has been a major encouragement to me this month, a lot of people don’t know this about me but I have Psalm 23 tattooed on the inside of my right ring finger. It has always been my favorite passage, long before I became a follower of Jesus. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want. I have been very convicted of my self-centeredness and wanting my days to look like what I want and not asking the Lord what He has for my day. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. My team went camping an hour and a half outside of the city and it was very restful to get out into nature, I am excited to travel soon to some of the beautiful landscapes the country has to offer. I have been very blessed with the letters and pictures from my friends and family, I look over them often as encouragement for the soul. Even though I walk through the valley of shadow and death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me. The Lord is teaching me that I do not know what will happen in my life and it is really not in my best interest to constantly try and find out. He leads me and I am only called to trust Him. I have been surprised with how He has been speaking to me lately, I normally hear the Lord in small whispers but lately I feel like I have heard Him much more loud and clear. I woke up in the middle of the night after a day of praying through some of the struggles I was facing, the first words out of my mouth were “be content when I say no.” I have never experienced this before but I knew it was from the Lord, it is a testament to some of the biggest decisions in my life and a lesson I have needed to hold onto. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil: my cup overflows. It is hard to live in a spiritually dark place where the people do not know Jesus, to watch people pray to a god who does not exist, and to see people use their lives to chase after a false religion. It is a constant reminder of why I am here, and that Jesus is the only one truly worth following. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. The flowers are blooming everywhere you look and it reminds me of all the good happening around me. My life is changing, people are building relationships, some are hearing the gospel for the first time, and more laborers are joining the harvest. When the rain comes, it waters the flowers and clears the dust so we can see the majesty of the Lord around us more clearly.
Ruth :,)