The first two weeks were rough, and I have no idea how I did not expect this. Fresh off of training with so much time to prepare, I left America so excited and ready. To only be hit with extreme jet lag and cultural fatigue. I enjoyed my time in the city, but I was beyond exhausted and highly emotional if we talked about anything less than light conversation. And when I started crying, I could not stop. If you know me, you know this is very unlike me. I rarely cry and am pretty steady and consistent in my emotions. I handle my feelings relatively well and have put in a lot of work over the last two years with my college mentor to feel them, journal, and question why I feel the way that I do. The first two weeks were refining to say the least, I realized the harsh reality of what moving to a different country can do to you. Despite preparation, longing, excitement, and stripping my expectations, it really comes down to endurance and asking the Lord to sustain you. I chose the word endurance for 2022 and everyday I am met with that choice, to ask the Lord for help and to give me strength when I am in need. This week I read in Isaiah 40:28-29, “He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.” I cannot think of a better message from the Lord to me during this time of transition, it is too much for me to try and do alone. I must rely on the Lord for His grace.
I love community and people, since being here I have never felt more not myself. I know friendships take time and so will meeting locals and expats, but I have truly felt stripped of my joy unless I am with my teammates or talking to people from home. Which begs the question, where am I finding identity? I know community is a gift and that we were made to be with others, but so is time alone with Christ and being rooted in Him alone. You never truly realize how independent you are until you are in a big city across the world where you do not speak the language and can not get to places or things you need on your own. My prayer is to remind myself that I am never alone because the Holy Spirit resides within me, I can talk to Him and He hears me. I am thankful for the reminder from my team leader that joy and community are good desires from the Lord and I can find ways in which they help push me closer to Him as I pursue them.
As someone who spends a lot of time with international students at home and relatively thought I could empathize with them in the slightest, I now have a whole new understanding of the exhaustion of being stared at, environmental shock, and thinking the locals talk fast. The main form of dress here for women is long dresses and matching pants (quarta azors) and hair coverings (remols). In the city where there are coffee shops and shopping centers, a few people know English and have their hair down and jeans on, it can be extremely confusing when trying to get ready to go places. A lot of the locals tell me I look native, which is encouraging and I am learning to not use English in front of people so that I do not draw extra, unnecessary attention to myself. A lot of the language uses Russian words, so a handful of locals ask me if I speak Rooski, to which I respond “nae Anglisi.” When I get introduced by others their first question is always if I like the city and if I find it beautiful. Which of course I respond with “Ho” (yes). The city is surrounded by snow capped mountains and is thriving in culture, I see Jesus everywhere here. Me, my team leader, and my language helpers family of 4 girls went up into the hills surrounding the city where I got to see the skyline, I was overcome with how beautiful and big my new home is. The Lord loves this place, cares for these people, and hears their language.
The driving is wild and I am slowly learning the transport systems to get around, I often take a marshrutka, which comes in many forms, a mini van, an extra long mini van, or a 15 person passenger van. Don’t let the size fool you, the other day I rode an oversized mini van with 19 people in it! The first few days of doing things on my own I would get easily frustrated with myself and others. This week was a turning point of laughter in this journey after I accidentally caught a marshrutka going the opposite direction and rode on it for 2 hours to get home! I have also learned the basic language needed to take a taxi home, it is always encouraging when you say every word in the local language and reach your destination for them to ask “You American?” I also do a lot of walking which leaves room for prayer, good conversations with Jesus, and cultural mapping. There is a steep trail I walk up and down often to get to another area of the city, it gives me a good overlook of my neighborhood and some mountains. One day I was walking home when I randomly encountered a large brown snake curled up next to the pathway, luckily it left me alone but it definitely frightened me. There are not nearly as many stray animals as I thought, one day I did pass a little puppy that was sitting near a garbage dump area and I completely lost it. On a brighter note, while I was on my said two hour marshrutka journey we passed 4 cows just casually strolling the sidewalk.
One week after I got here the city was celebrating Navruz, the new year holiday where the children got 12 days off of school. I went with my host mom to her sister's house where there were a lot of people and it was extremely overwhelming but a great opportunity to learn about culture. My host family is great, I live with my Apa (older sister) and 7 other family members. One is Apa’s son who is in 8th grade and has become such a sweet friend who loves to help me use google translate. I have my own bedroom, and I eat breakfast and dinner with the family. The food here is great but heavy on oil and non which does not always make me feel 100%, sometimes I get served some odd meals that I am not crazy about but my host family is very gracious. We communicate through the few words I know and a lot of sign language, I have no idea what I am actually getting across to them. The second night at my home stay a large spider crawled out from under my wardrobe, to which I squished and called my host brother. He then proceeded to tell me to sleep with my shoe, and assured me it was just a field spider that comes out during the summer. We have a squatty potty and by that I mean a triangle slit in the cement, don’t worry I am adjusting! My team leader warned me that the first few weeks that my world would feel small, and He was right. It is lonely at times but I know these hard moments are stretching me and allowing me to give this culture a chance to be a part of my life.
I have been asking myself what repentance looks like in this season, and for the Lord to show me my sin in my judgment, and quick resentfulness. This week I saw a quote that said “not all good change feels positive at first.” I can look back at my life and see the testament of that statement. I am in a season of waiting for community, transition, and language but can be hopeful and even expectant that the Lord will use it for my good and in His glory. The other day at a medical meeting we were asked to share our wildest dream, I am really honored and humbled to say that I am in the midst of living in mine.
Ruth :,)