I have struggled with my identity for a long time. In the US people were often skeptical when I said I was from the US because I don’t look “American.” My mom is originally from South Asia, but I was born in the US and my personal culture aligns pretty strongly with the generalized American values. At the same time, my South Asian heritage is very much a part of me and has influenced my perspectives. Like many multiethnic individuals, I have never felt like I fit anywhere completely.
This struggle has been highlighted as I serve in Southeast Asia. Just like in the US, people here are skeptical when I say that I am from there – I don’t look the part. I’ve been discredited by people here, saying I can’t speak for American culture because I’m mixed. I’ve also been told by others that they see me as an American, not as a South Asian (they mean this as a compliment). I also cannot answer a lot of people’s questions about South Asia, which adds to my imposter syndrome. On top of that, I am starting to adopt aspects of Southeast Asian culture from living here. When I briefly visited the US after being overseas for a few months, I felt like I had become less “American.” All of these experiences internally pick away at my sense of ethnic identity.
My identity struggle is not isolated to ethnicity. My intelligence has long been a source of identity for me. This also is being chipped away. Every day I make innumerable mistakes in the language. Every day I have to ask for clarification multiple times because I do not understand what is being said to me. Every day at least one person laughs at my poor pronunciation – and the fact that no matter how hard I try, I cannot roll my R’s. It is humbling and, at times, humiliating. I am prepared to feel this even more when I start my master’s program next month. Academic language is a different ball game. So yeah, my identity of being a smart person is challenged here.
I didn’t realize before how much my sense of self is linked to lifestyle and culture either. In an effort to be all things to all people, I have changed the food I eat, the frequency with which I shower, the way I dress, when I sleep, and the way I express myself, to name a few. Sometimes I feel like in all of these changes, I have lost myself.
Maybe this stripping away of my sense of self is not all bad. I wonder how Jesus experienced it. I mean, he didn’t just move countries – he moved from heaven to earth. Imagine going from heaven’s culture to earth’s. That sounds like a rough transition. And people gas-lighted Jesus all the time, denying his identity as the Messiah and Son of God. To them, he didn’t look the part either. He wasn’t their idea of a king. He didn’t come to overthrow the Roman rule. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance (Is. 53:2) – wouldn’t you think God incarnate would at least be attractive? And he was from Nazareth, of all places. Once again, I see that Jesus can relate and sympathize with me far more deeply than I would expect. Like Jesus, I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20). So every time I am gas-lighted, every time my sense of self is undermined, let that just be a reminder that my identity is in Christ and that I belong to another world. Lord Jesus, come quickly.