About a week ago, I was sitting at a park swing reading my Bible when a woman named Rachel and a man approached me. Rachel pointed at me and said, “Let’s stop here.” I offered her my seat and was about to leave, but then she started talking to me.
“Do you think everything will be okay?” she asked me.
“Yeah, I think so,” I said.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I know everything will be okay,” I replied, unsure what she meant. “Is there anything specific that is worrying you?”
Then followed a long conversation in which I learned about her story. Between puffs of her cigarette and sips from her alcohol-filled Gatorade bottle, she shared about traumatic experiences, broken family relationships, church hurt, health issues, anxieties, and hopelessness. She mentioned how nice it would be to drown in the lake in front of us.
Asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, I reassured her that her life had meaning because she was made in God’s image. I tried to convey the gospel. We cried out to God together, talked a while more, and laughed occasionally. Then I left.
I haven’t heard from Rachel since then, but my heart still breaks for her. I know that as I slow down and engage with people in the US or SE Asia, my heart will continue to break because this world is full of hurting people. Yet I pray I never become desensitized to that pain, but rather be “moved with compassion” like Jesus (Matt. 14:14, Mark 6:34).
Amidst pre-field training, where I’ve started to process what I am leaving behind and what lies ahead, people like Rachel have been heavy on my heart. It has been a lot of high highs and low lows. I recently got news that I’ll be able to move to SE Asia in just over a month! I jumped and shouted and danced for joy at this news! And then it hit me that I also have to say some hard goodbyes. Through cultural training, I have grown in self-awareness and as a result, have had/anticipate a lot of “Father, help!” moments. I’ve had to confront a lot of my own brokenness.
I do not want to become numb to the emotions I am experiencing, as exhausting as the rollercoaster is.
Some suggest that followers of Christ ought to be stoic, completely unmoved by the trials and brokenness of this world, as if the more rooted in Jesus one is, the less sensitive they are to the temporary hardships of this world. But is that what Jesus’ life looked like?
John 11 records the death of Lazarus. Jesus knew that Lazarus was sick, and he intentionally delayed his visit so that the Father and himself would be glorified when he raised Lazarus from the dead. Despite knowing this end and purpose, when Mary wept, Jesus “was deeply moved in spirit and troubled,” and he wept also.
Yes, God is making all wrongs right. Yes, I have been adopted as God’s child and set free from slavery to sin and death. Yes, God’s kingdom has come. But it hasn’t come completely yet, and it’s okay to mourn that. I still get frustrated with my sin and with the flesh that I have to fight every day and often don’t defeat. Jesus isn’t telling me to get over it. His heart is breaking too, even more than mine is. He understands the brokenness of this world completely. He understands my brokenness. That’s why he came. And that’s why he’s coming again.
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:18-19
Jesus has come, and that is great news! There is healing and freedom to be received now.
But I still long for a new heaven and a new earth, where God dwells among his people fully and “wipes every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,” for King Jesus will make everything new (Rev. 21). I long to have new flesh that is not prone to rebellion against my Creator, that is not at war against the new heart God has given me.
And turns out, I have good company in this longing. One day, “creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God” (Rom. 8:21). In the meantime, “the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth,” just as “we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship” (Rom. 8:23). Not only does creation groan with me, but so does God’s own Spirit, who “helps us in our weakness” and “intercedes for us through wordless groans” (Rom. 8:27).
Like Rachel, in moments of despair I can wonder if everything will really be okay. And it is good and right to be broken over this world’s brokenness. But I am not without hope. Someday soon, all the wrongs will be made right, and those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be filled (Matt. 5:6).
Lord Jesus, come quickly.