Hello dear friends!!
I've never been good at waiting. It's vulnerable and makes me feel insecure. I like having things that I'm accomplishing to be proud of and I like having movement and busyness to distract me from the deeper thoughts and perspectives that come with slowing down. When I was quite young, my New Years resolution was to never have an idol moment. I always wanted to be in motion because I didn't like the silence that accompanied "doing nothing." However, I have found myself to be in that season of waiting that I have resented since I was little, and I have been in this season for a while.
As I'm sure many of you know by now, missions is something that I have imagined and prayed about doing for many years. It started out as another item added to a young girl's long list of career options, which grew shorter and shorter as I grew older, until it was one of the only "options" left on the list. Missions found it's natural place in my prayers when I asked God for guidance. When I started the application process to go to Bulgaria, I prayed that God would close the door to this opportunity if it was not His will and not the steps of obedience He was calling me to take. I committed to continuing the process, which started in October, until He closed the door, and I have been preparing and waiting ever since. Let me tell you honestly, it has been painful to wait. But I am grateful that God has opened my eyes to glimpse at His goodness and purpose in the waiting. And I say glimpse, because I know that there is so much He is doing that I don't see and am utterly unaware of, but I trust that He is doing the unseen, painful work of refining and transforming me. Without my securities of community, busyness, accomplishments, projects and man's praise, I have felt very raw and vulnerable, but I have also been able to see my pride and its deep wounds, the lies festering in my mind, a value system that I have worked hard to build but that was not built to reflect the way of Jesus. I have been able to see my sinful motivations and the areas of my life that require transformation which, through the guise of distraction, I was never able to previously discern. And finally, I have understood the gospel in new and beautiful ways that I had yet not before, and as I recall the good work and the faithfullness of the Lord in this hard season of waiting, I feel gratefulness welling up from deep within. I hope to continue to share the ways that the Lord is transforming me and lives around me in this blog and it is my hope that this is encouraging to you, and more significantly, glorifying to God. This verse was significant in casting a vision for what I wanted the purpose of this space to be, "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Heb. 10:24-25.
As I continue to wake up to a new day of waiting, I have begun to train my mind to look for the ways that I am being invited to be transformed and refined, through the power of Jesus, rather then looking for ways that I can distract myself from the waiting. In this process of turning my eyes away from what is lacking and towards where God is working and active, I have become more and more aware of His significant presence, all around me.