At the beginning of the summer in the country, most people leave if they are able. The summer is incredibly hot so everyone travels to one of the surrounding countries which are cooler. A lot of the foreigners go home. However, before you go, you have to pack everything up and cover everything with sheets to try to protect it against the heat, dust, and bugs.
I started to pack about two weeks before I was going to leave, mostly because cleaning is a great excuse to avoid doing other things. Thus as I was sitting on a long phone call, I began to take down decorations from around the room and pack up. As I began to pack up for the summer, I opened my suitcases which I have been using as storage for extra or seasonal items. I have extra bottles of vitamins and sunscreen, some clothes I brought that turned out to not work with the dress requirements here, some Christmas decorations, books I have already finished. They work as great storage containers, but I needed the suitcases to pack for coming home so I had to empty them.
As I was emptying them, I found the old journal that I wrote in for the first three months when I came. I began to read through (because reading is also a great way to procrastinate) and was just struck anew with how much I have grown and changed from when I first got here. I could read and remember those first feelings of joy and excitement, confusion and trepidation. From when I first landed until I leave to return home for the first time, so much has changed. I have learned a lot and had to relearn even more. I thought I would reminisce and share some of the excerpts that made me laugh or at least shake my head.
November 8: During pre-field training, a study in the spiritual disciplines of solitude and silence, written while sitting in the middle of the woods in NC
"Fear: squirrel attack… Anxiety: language learning sessions, visa process, saying goodbye well, not burdening team, not filing taxes properly…"
January 4: Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, 1 or 2 in the morning Eastern time
"A new year. I have given up on new year's resolutions…Anyways, I am writing from the seat of an airplane flying to Paris…I can't seem to wrap my head around it. Is it because it's so fantastic that it can't be my life? Or is it too ordinary that it doesn't seem real? In my head I feel like jumping and running and spinning. I want to smash my face in a pillow and scream. But instead I am still and quiet, like a completely sane, mature adult that I am supposed to be. I get to serve the Father like this! He is so good. I am so small and honored. I think that brings me the most joy. It bubbles up and overflows. I am still nervous, but so far He has orchestrated all things as only He can…"
January 7: In country
"I feel a little useless. Almost like common sense went out the window. Someone said, 'Just whatever feels right.' But nothing feels right because I don't know what is right here. I keep asking questions and apologizing and bumbling about. Everything is like one ginormous awkward conversation. Oish! I feel so awkward. I wish I had better social skills…"
January 8:
"The different languages are beautiful and confusing. Right now all my thoughts have accents!.. I love to hear the jumping around from language to language in conversations. I can't wait to start studying language. For now I will study the people. As I was told, 'Eyes open, ears open, mouths shut!'"
January 13:
"So many people, so many stories. Yet this country brought us all together…Every time I step out the door, I meet so many new things. I am filled to the brim. Joy overfloweth…I hope I can start learning language soon. It is the key…"
January 19: First time getting the runs, first day of language learning
"My brain is tired. My body is tired…"
February 1:
"My brain is so tired… I wish I had a bowl like Dumbledore in which I could pull out all my language learning to study. Then I would have more brain room later."
March 5: First team retreat after being ill in bed for a week
"A thought came to me while I was sick:…unconditionally loved…It came back to me the following day as I was beginning to get sad and restless, stressed and discouraged. Unconditional. I want to hold tight to that promise and remember it a bit longer… Secondly the idea of coming to the end of myself. The idea of the Father directing and providing strength. When I stop trying to direct then he can lead. Cease striving. Wait for his direction. I doubt it will be something I will fully learn in one go but it feels like I am on a better path."
March 10:
"I think the most frustrating part is all the outside factors you can't control. I am not in charge of when the trash gets picked up or when the water runs. I don't know how to fix the pipes. I don't know enough shops in town or where to get clothes tailored. I don't know enough language to communicate or ask questions…I feel quite silly and very incompetent…"
It really has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Learning and then falling on my face again. Energy and enthusiasm to learn and grow and then despair when I think I haven't learned enough. In some ways not much has changed.
I wrote this prayer at the end of the journal once all its pages were full. I wrote it in March 2022 but the words still hold true today:
Dear Father, increase in me your love. You alone are the source of life and endless mercy and grace. Fill me with your compassion so I may be poured out for the love of your people and for your glory. Open my eyes to see the needs and how I can serve you and those around me. Give me words to say when it is needed and your confidence to proceed with joy into the unknown. For the sake of your Name and your Bride, Amen.