Everyone has expectations and assumptions of people, places, and things. It can be a bad habit that we are trying to curb but everyone makes instant judgements about others. To deny this would be a lie and denying an instinctive human reflex. Sometimes these instant judgement calls are helpful and could save our lives. However, when we turn them towards other people and begin to think unfairly negative about others, it can cause trouble.
Last month I talked about all the things others have told me makes me American. And while it's funny, it can also be a bit tiring. Your culture comes with baggage and one of those "carry-ons" is what everyone else thinks about you. It makes me sad whenever people hear that I am from the States and immediately ask about getting a visa. Or they complement my accent, as though my English is somehow better than all my other counterparts with British English or other accents. Or they assume I am a Christian because I am white and from the West, but they also link all other Westerners into one group, largely defined by what they see from Hollywood, and assume we are all Christians exemplifying Christian values.
And while I bemoan how others treat me, I have to be very careful that I am not doing the same to them. When we start categorizing as "us" and "them", we are in trouble. We are putting up walls and barriers, reenforcing our own ideas rather than learning from and loving our neighbors.
If you are attempting to learn about a new culture, these judgement calls can be the death of any progress into the community. While I was at training, we practiced watching "cultures" and making observations about them. It was uncomfortable when we analyzed these "observations" at the end of the session. Almost all of them were actually judgements full of our own biases and presumptions.
Try it yourself. How many of these statements are observations? How many are judgements? Read them carefully:
- The men are very angry and waving their hands around.
- They have no emotions or facial expressions.
- The women are very hospitable and will give the guest the larger portion.
- Bus drivers drive very quickly and don't follow any rules of the road. At intersections, a two lane road may have five lanes.
- The women who are more religious cover very carefully so that none of their hair is showing.
- The language is a loud language with lots of yelling.
At times, our biases and judgement calls sneak up on us and we don't realize we have such negative ideas until we are suddenly confronted by something that doesn't fit with our ideas. Then we have to make an uncomfortable choice. We can either ignore the reality in front of us or categorize it as an "exception" and continue to cling to our ignorance and bigotry. OR we can accept that we may be wrong and have to go back and rethink our categories. This is much harder because we have to go back and rethink choices we made and times we acted based on our wrong or unfair judgements. We have to come face to face with our mistakes and the pain we may have unintentionally caused because of them. It's uncomfortable and many people would prefer the first option. There have been times when I am guilty of it as well.
Recently I was suddenly confronted with one of my own biases. In the moment, I didn't even realize why I was so shocked by the behavior. It was only afterwards as I thought through what happened and what I expected to happen that I realized the disconnect and was ashamed of my thoughts. I still have a lot of learning to do.
I was walking to the school one afternoon trying to step over mud puddles and not trip over rocks. (Side note: this is a pretty focus-consuming task for me.) As I walked around the corner, I saw a woman and a child. The woman was wearing an abaya, or a long sleeve, full-length dress, often worn over other clothing to cover everything. She had a olive green headscarf on. Her skin was lighter, which in this community usually means she is Arabic. The child may have been her son or her younger brother, but I think they were mother and son. She was holding him by the wrist and pulling him along slightly. He had bent down in the road and picked something up. I didn't see what he had picked up until they came slightly closer. He had picked up a tiny kitten from the middle of the road and put it down closer to the edge. Then they walked passed.
That was all. I doubt I will ever see them again. But something in that interaction struck me. I am not sure why the boy moved the cat. Or if he meant to move the cat or if he wanted to keep it and the woman said no. But there was a kindness in his actions.
There are a lot of kids around the school. Most of them are what you call "Street kids". They don't go to school. Often they beg for food or money. Some it is their "job", others have no choice, and others still have sniffed so much glue that they don't have the mental capacity for anything else. The kids will often yell at you and follow you. Some, especially the boys, will throw rocks. The rock throwing is not really personal. They throw rocks at Westerners and locals, birds, cars, anything that moves.
Maybe this is why the kindness to the tiny creature struck me. He protected the cat when I had grown to expect boys to try to hurt it. Maybe it was the way the woman was with the boy when I was used to kids by themselves. Maybe it was the way she seemed to be disciplining the child but also allowing this kindness when I had assumed she would be too busy and merely pull the child along, ignoring him and the creature.
All in all, this little scene made me realize I had become quick to judge. I judged the parents who I thought disciplined their children too much and I judged parents who left their kids on the streets. I judged the boys who threw rocks and the country where this was acceptable. Maybe my actions were passive and these judgements kept to myself, but my heart was growing hard because of them and my mind was closing to learning, since I already assumed I knew so much.
The kindness of the boy startled me by defying my expectations. He taught me about small acts of kindness, including the kindness of loving your neighbors by suspending judgement. It is a difficult lesson to learn because it is so easy to fall back into the habit of jumping to conclusions. After living in the country for almost a year, I would like to say that I have learned somethings about their culture. And I have, but I will stop myself from any more learning if I begin to think I have learned the culture and know the people. Every day is a chance to learn a little more and love a little better, if you are willing to put in the effort and keep your mind open.
Oh, and the statements earlier. All of them are judgement calls. Who defines what is loud? Does waving your hands mean your angry? Is it hospitable to give the guest more food? Loud. Angry. Hospitable. Rude. Polite. Emotional. Religious. All of these words are defined culturally. It is so easy to let judgements creep into our language and communication, even "positive" biases are still biases and may or may not be accurate.
I challenge you. Take five minutes and just watch the world around you. What are the people doing? Write it down. Then after the time, look at what you wrote. How many are judgements? How many are just observations?
How much more grace could we show if we could lay aside our biases and give the benefit of the doubt to our neighbors, family, friends, and strangers? How much better could we love those around us if, instead of treating them based on what we have assumed about them, we made the effort to get to know them, learn from them, and loved them how they wanted or needed to be loved?