Before I left the States, between Christmas and New Year's, my family was driving to the store and we were listening to the radio. A song came on by Cory Asbury. Some of the lyrics are included below.
"Strong enough to calm the storms
Of fear and unbelief
Fierce enough to break the cords
Of death that clung to me
'Cause I have come to know a love
Whose power has overcome
Every insecurity…
Close enough to hold me near
When fear is crippling
Safe enough to be my home
When my world is crumbling
'Cause I have come to know a love
Stronger than the grave.."
At the time I was struck by how the song spoke to me. I was beginning to get together the last details to prepare for my departure. Yet I noticed I was stalling. Time was quickly fleeing passed but I still needed to pack my last bag. I was procrastinating, which past experience has taught me I only do when I am very stressed. (In school I was never one to procrastinate, but in life I do all the time.) As I listened to the song, I recognized the symptoms and behind the stress I saw fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of saying goodbye. Fear of failure.
"Strong enough to calm the storms of fear and unbelief."
In my own power all I can do is shut down. Stall. The storms rage within but on the outside I can fake calm. Only in the Father's power is there enough strength to quell the storm and stop it entirely.
Recently I was reminded of this song again. I have been practicing language with a helper. She is really great and patient, but she speaks limited English. To effectively communicate, sometimes my roommate will help by speaking to her in the local language. (My roommate is much further along in the language process. She will deny this, but there are many times I would say that she is fluent.) Otherwise, we get by with half understanding, half praying that whatever happens next will be what I thought was going to happen next.
Anyways, language was progressing and we were learning food vocabulary. Since we were having workmen come to fix the bathroom in the house, I thought we could have a slightly different lesson. We could go to the market and I could buy the different foods, whose names I had been learning previously. Two birds with one stone: I could hear conversations between two native speakers and practice the process of buying food at a market, while shopping for food that we needed at home.
I was excited at first. At training, they discussed how people learn in different ways and some like to be very hands-on. They also mentioned that those who aren't so prone to jump straight into the deep in should push themselves out of their comfort zone every once in a while so that they get a fuller language learning experience. That latter was referring to me. This plan felt like a proactive first step. Then I was very nervous. My lesser half regretted making the plan, thinking through all the ways it could fail. I was afraid that I was attempting more than I could handle. More so when I realized that the large market where I hoped to go was not where I thought it was and thus the plan to meet up in town with my helper needed to change. Since I couldn't get ahold of her via phone, I decided to just go into town by myself and meet her there. Then we would take another bus back to the market.
Leaving for the bus that morning I was praying the whole way. I was so nervous. Nervous that I would miss her in town. Anxious that I would not be able to get the bus back from town on my own if need be. Not sure if she understood the original plan or how I could communicate the rest of the plan later on. Anxious about communicating and directions and what I was wearing and if I would have to bargain and getting on the bus and getting off the bus and everything in between. As I walked the song popped into my head again.
"Close enough to hold me near when the fear is crippling."
I also started to think about my recent studies. In Matthew, the Son says, "Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life…" Much earlier as the people are heading to the promise land, they are commanded to not have any other before Him nor to worship false idols. In that moment, my idol was fear. It was huge and overwhelming. It consumed my thoughts and kept me up at night.
I began praying again. Father, you are good. All good things come from you. You know me intimately. My hopes and fears. I have nothing to bring to offer to you but I give you my fear.
I had built up a world on an unstable foundation. It was not strong enough to hold and the first step to dismantling the foundation was to sacrifice my idol and give it up to Him. As the song says, only His love is strong enough to overcome every insecurity. Only His love is present in every crisis and circumstances and patient through every failure and forgetfulness. Throughout the day, there were mishaps and miscommunications. I went to town and my language helper went to my home. We ended up having breakfast and lunch together. I bought twice as many onions as needed and forgot to get grapes. But in the end, it was better than I could have planned or imagined. When I destroy my idol and turn to the Father, there is peace and joy that truly sustains.
From <https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/coryasbury/yourloveisstrong.html>