Worthy.
Since the beginning of this journey, it is a term that has come up often. Especially in the support raising process, a phrase often heard is the encouragement: "A worker is worth their wages."
It is meant to be an encouragement, and yet the idea of worthy is something I have struggled with for a long time. Am I worthy?
I think back over my life and accomplishments. A common definition of worthy is "the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held." By man's terms I struggle to see how I measure up or am worthy to be called to the work I am endeavoring towards. By God's perfect standards, I have fallen short so often that at times I wonder how I am even in the consideration.
How am I worthy of sharing His love when I am selfish and at times unlovable? How am I supposed to show His grace and mercy when I am impatient and at times cynical? How am I supposed to represent a holy and perfect God when I am flawed and weak? I have doubts and fears and sinful habits. None of my strivings will ever bring me to the point of deserving or being a fair and accurate representation of His love.
It is something that I have wrestled with ever since I first felt called. I have had m workers in my life since childhood. I love hearing the stories of their work and all that the Lord is doing around the world. As a child I wanted to become an overseas worker. But it was in high school that I really felt called back to that purpose. It was in the summer between receiving a brain injury and one of the hardest years of my life. I was struggling with medical issues that did not seem to have answers and felt as thoroughly unworthy as possible. (What is the complete opposite of worthy?) The best description of the year is a "lovely" piece of art work I made. We were told to depict a heart in clay (a Valentine's day project). I created a rather accurate depiction of the heart but then encapsulated it in a black, rotting vine that was strangling it and a rib cage that was broken and piercing the heart. (It is not the most beautiful creation.)
I still have that creation sitting on my desk at home, because I want to remember. I want to remember how at this low time, when I could not see a single thing about myself to call lovely, let alone worthy, God called me to this purpose and began to lay the foundations for the work I was to do down the road.
Because I am worthy. Not because of anything I can do (Paul has a few things to say about that) but because He chose me. He called me his child and called me worthy.
I keep that ugly and incredibly angsty artwork because I want to remember where I was when He called me worthy. Because if He calls me worthy then, He will call me worthy though I am feeling low. And when I fail. And when I stick my foot in my mouth during language learning. And when I am exhausted. And when I teach the worst lesson in my life. Because He called me worthy when I did nothing to be worthy. And when He calls me worthy, there is nothing I can do to change that. To make myself better or to make myself lesser.
Does that mean it is always easy to accept? No. I struggle daily to accept that fact. When I am in a meeting with a supporter and I get to the ask for financial support, I am silently praying the whole time for the confidence and boldness to ask. I have to cling to His promise and His calling to make that ask every time. He called me to this task and ministry. He has called me worthy to be His servant. A worker is worthy of their wages.
Even in worship, I am so much more comfortable singing and declaring His worthiness and greatness. I love the songs that use biblical passages or speak of His faithfulness. There is one song that I heard recently. It is not a new song and I have sung it many times. But I have a tendency of changing the lyrics of songs to lyrics I like better. I have lots of different reasons. Sometimes I choose words that rhyme better but mean the same thing or ones that fit the syllable pattern better. But this particular song I always changed one specific line in the chorus.
The original song goes like this:
"Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I'm a child of God, yes, I am
In my Father's house
There's a place for me
I'm a child of God, yes, I am
I am chosen, not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me, not against me
I am who You say I am"
Here are the lyrics I would always sing:
"Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I'm a child of God, yes, I am
In my Father's house
There's a place for me
I'm a child of God, yes, I am
I am chosen, not forsaken
You are who You say you are
You are for me, not against me
You are who You say you are"
Did you catch the catch the difference? It is a small change and still mostly works with the song. God is who he says he is. He is consistent and faithful to his promises. We have assurance in him because he does not change. Once we are his, He does not forget about us or drop us because we mess up too many times.
But at the same time, the change I was making to the song was rather huge. "I am who You say I am." Not only are the new lyrics slightly silted but they are also revealing a lack of faith and weakness. I was scared to sing out and declare myself worthy. But if God has called me worthy, how can I deny it? Am I accusing him of being a liar or lacking in his ability to make me worthy? The second half of the definition of worthy says, "by the esteem in which it is held". God has called me worthy. He is worthy of all our praise and is holy and perfect. If he calls me worthy, how can I deny it?
It is a hard truth to acknowledge but I am learning. I am learning to not change the songs and sing out the lyrics even if there are tears in my voice as I am in awe of the possibility. I am learning to ask boldly and walk in the confidence and power that He gives me. A false humility and denying who God called me to be will not help anyone. True humility--praising the Father who is the Creator and Sustainer and obediently giving myself to do His will. That is what He desires. And that is what I strive to do each day.
So I will sing out. "I am who You say I am" "I am a child of God" "I am chosen" And I will strive every day to walk in obedience.