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Giving Up

Posted on Monday, November 30, 2020

I know my placement title is "engineer", but one of my core identities is actually "writer".  My header image for this article comes from the National Novel Writing Month website.  NaNoWriMo is an annual challenge where we push ourselves to write 50,000 words of a novel every November, & as you can see from the header image this is my 8th year.  I have written a novel (or most of one, at least) every single November since 2013.  I've written a novel (or most of one, at least) in years when I've been busy with jobs & through the toughest semesters of engineering school. <!--break--> Even in the semester where I studied abroad & had practically no free time, I just barely eeked out the 50k.  But this year I didn't.

I tried, kinda.  I had a concept about which I was excited & I penned a couple thousand words over the first few days of the month, but then I stopped.  Support raising has been so fun & I love it & if my entire job was traveling around the country with the sole purpose of talking to old friends about causes God placed on my heart, I would be ecstatic (assuming, of course, that it continued to go as well as these last few months have--it's been obvious God is going before me & preparing people to hear what I have to say: if I was in traditional sales where I'd receive a lot more "no" answers, I may be less enthusiastic).  But anyway, it's been really fun, but it also keeps me very busy.

Usually at the end of the day I set my time tracking app to "free time" & unwind by watching 30 - 60 minutes on Netflix or Amazon Prime, work 20 minutes or so on some Bible memorization, pray briefly, & go to bed (I don't think I've slept this well in my entire life).  So I thought it would be easy: for me an hour a day of writing is more than enough to hit 50k by month's end, therefore I'd just replace the 60 minutes of Netlfix with 90ish minutes of writing & be golden.  But I just couldn't do it.  After full days of meetings, textings, & drivings, I just wanted to veg for a bit & then sleep.  The activity of creation that had been such a restful solace for the past 8 years had become a chore.

It sounds stupid to a generally logical & stoic person like me, but this is really the first thing in this entire process that actually feels like a sacrifice.  Giving up the "security" of a "normal job"?-- What is "security" apart from God anyway?  Going overseas for two years to a country I've never seen?--I love to travel!  But failing to hit a lifetime word count of 400,000 words--setting aside for a season something that has been a more significant annual rhythm in my life than any holiday & provided a creative outlet regardless of whatever chaos kept me busy day-to-day?  It's frustrating because I know if I just pushed myself a little more, I could have done it still.  It's annoying because I'm not really "giving up" this identity: it's just on hold for one year.  There's a lot of "what if" could haves but only one "it is" & more importantly only one "I am".

He has called me to this &, if this is the biggest sacrifice I make, I will be beyond blessed. True, I don't want to minimize this: it may be stupid looking from the outside, but anyone that has had to set aside a passion to pursue a greater goal can understand what's it's like.  God calls us to sacrifice everything we are--as I put it when talking to a friend on Instagram: there "are aspects of my life that must be lost in order for me to live the true life God has for me"--& in the same way that we are uniquely equipped & blessed to fulfill His mission, we are uniquely challenged & pushed to give our last full measure of devotion to our Lord the King.  But He is also our loving Father who comforts us in all our troubles, even if no other human understands what you're going through or why you're making it such a big deal--even if you don't understand yourself.

It's OK to feel the loss as your old self dies away, as long as--I believe--you are not clinging to it but rather mourning its passing with an open hand, eyes fixed on the glorious end.  The end so glorious that it is not only worth the sacrifices, but reaches back across time & makes even the suffereings retrospectively full of joy.  At least that's been my experience so far & I trust God will do ever more amazing things going forward.

 

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