This past year has been one of intense reflection. I am not the same person I was a year ago. For most of 2020, I yearned for steadfastness, to hold on to truth as if I were holding on to the edge of a cliff. Yet as I sought the Lord and this firm foundation, I seemed to uncover more and more ways that truth had been twisted and turned for evil rather than good. And on top of that, I was graduating college, stepping into a new and unknown role, surviving in a pandemic, lamenting racial injustice, processing through an election, and fighting to find joy amidst overwhelming change and heaviness.
Entering 2021 felt like walking on wet floors with caution signs; still moving forward in hope, but exhausted by the sins of my ancestors, the world, and myself. I struggled with the fact that I had seen God be faithful in providing complete support for the ministry I would be joining in Bulgaria, yet the perpetual waiting and changing plans due to visa barriers left me questioning my path, doubting both my purpose and God.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”– James 1:5-6
I thought of James 1:5-6, and I knew the Holy Spirit was calling out my doubt. I definitely felt like that wave being blown and tossed by the wind. Doubting God has been a struggle of mine ever since I meet Jesus, and I have had to consciously choose to trust Christ again and again. Because of everything happening around me and inside me, the doubt of who God was in it all felt more intense than I’d ever experienced. All I prayed for days was from Psalm 143:8, “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”
A quiet voice continued to whisper something like, “lean in, don’t be afraid.”
When I said yes to going to Bulgaria in early 2020, I was learning that more than clarity in my path, I desired confidence in God and who Jesus was. Little did I know for how long my path would be unclear as the COVID-19 pandemic continued, and little did I realize how real spiritual battles would be. I know I’m not the first to question my own faith and the spiritual ideas I’ve been taught, and I certainly won’t be the last. I still fall short of God’s glory, but rather than fearing my doubts, I believe these growing pains are producing in me the fruit of faithfulness. The gospel continues to remind me of how intimately I’m known and loved just as I am. Yet the gospel is also transformative, so I’m reminded that Jesus is walking alongside me as I keep becoming who God has made me to be.
After Jesus’ resurrection, there was a disciple named Thomas who hadn’t seen Jesus reappear yet. When the other disciples told Thomas they had seen the Lord, he did not believe them. Thomas even said, “I won’t believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in his side” (John 20:25, NLT). And Jesus appears to Thomas. Jesus didn’t say to himself, “well Thomas doesn’t believe so I’m not even going to try and show him the truth.” Nope! Jesus gives us space to be vulnerable. I praise God that Christ sees the doubters (hey there!), reaches out to us, and tells us to no longer be faithless, but to believe (John 20:27, NLT).
God is still my rock and firm foundation, but God is also in the seas and winds. I thank the Lord for teaching me to stand firm on His truth while also shifting and transforming me as I continue to seek out what that is.