Why am I here? Is what I’m doing even helping? Is it actually doing harm? What’s the point? I have asked myself these questions almost every day. Doubt really starts to sink in when you’ve been overseas for almost a year.
I live in an African country as a single, 20-something white woman. If that statement doesn’t beg some questions, I don’t know what does. Unfortunately, Africa has been abused, colonized, wronged, taken advantage of, and mistreated for many years, continuing to today. Even more unfortunate, missionaries have done some of the worst harm. When a Zambian sees me walking the streets, they automatically have opinions and biases about me. I am white, so I have money, I give handouts, I love Trump, I’m more spiritual then them, God hears my prayers more than theirs, I handout jobs, I will fix things, I’m looking for a Zambian husband, the list goes on. These are really hard misconceptions to correct. If my skin color is causing all of these problems, then I have to be doing a lot of other things wrong as well!
But there is beauty and redemption through the blood of Jesus and through deconstructing the ways of past Western missions. There is a well in the community that we live in that has been broken since before I arrived almost a year ago. People in the community have been constantly asking us to fix their well. We kept telling them, that when the well was dug, they had formed a committee to maintain the well. It was now their responsibility to fix it. Through relationships with those in the community, we helped them form a new committee with more trustworthy people. A few weeks ago, we drove by the well and it was working! The white people didn’t come in and “save the day” which would have just resulted in us fixing the well again later. Now, the community has seen what it looks like to work together and solve a problem they had, without the money or resources of the muzungu (white person).
This story gives me hope that we are slowly starting to change the narrative of white missionaries in Africa. That absolutely does not mean we are doing everything right. In fact, we are probably doing a lot wrong. But, I think it’s good to ask these questions, because it’s when we don’t ask these questions that we are prey to saviorism, stagnation, workaholism, relying on ourselves instead of God, and losing track of priorities. When we ask the tough questions, we see growth and critical thinking. Maybe some of the things we are doing aren’t working, and that’s okay. If you don’t ask, you will never see what’s broken and you won’t know to fix it. These questions are hard, and I for sure don’t have all the answers to them, but there is beauty in the struggle, and we follow a God full of grace. Thank God for grace.