This summer, I’ve felt like God has been showing me infinitely more generosity than I deserve. Do you ever feel that way? I entered June anticipating a long, challenging summer of support raising and transition. Instead, I was completely blown away by everyone’s willingness to give and found myself almost fully funded at the beginning of July. I have been amazed by the encouragement and generosity I’ve been shown and have found so much joy in renewed and deepened relationships with my supporters and God. At the same time, though, I was pervaded by a deep sense of guilt and unworthiness. Who was I, of all people, to accept the undeserved blessings I’ve been so freely given?
Do you know what I’ve been realizing lately? Living in a constant state of guilt is exhausting! I spend so much of my life living in fear of letting down others and myself, of not doing enough, of somehow failing God. When I become so paralyzed by my own inability, I forget that God’s power is sufficient over all of it. I start to believe the lie that his grace is limited.
The word that keeps coming to mind this summer is “abundance”. As I accept the gifts of my supporters, I've found freedom in realizing that I can accept God’s grace in the same way. I’ve been reflecting on John 12 lately. When Mary pours an entire bottle of expensive perfume on Jesus’s feet, her motivation is purely adoration. She isn't concerned with counting costs or avoiding judgment; instead, she pours out everything in an act of worship to a savior with infinite resources.
That’s still a hard lesson for me to grasp. But through support raising this summer, I’m catching a glimpse what it means to live in the freedom of God’s provision. In accepting the generosity of others, I can turn away from a culture screaming at me to protect, conserve, and save for my own benefit. I can distribute my time and resources generously without fear. Learning to live in dependence on others reminds me that everything we’ve been given is ultimately God’s anyway, and that we can rest in the assurance of his sufficiency.