Living here is hard. My initial hopefulness has faded. Gone is that girl who saw beauty in every little thing. I feel like Naomi, who said to her friends, “Instead call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.” (Ruth 1:20)
I am carrying a sorrow from being here, that doesn’t come from one specific thing. It’s not just that I’m missing family and familiar things, or that here community is hard and values are different. All those things are happening at once, and I feel weary. Like I’m constantly at the end of my rope. Facing each day is a challenge because it requires everything out of me, and I know it will almost certainly end in weeping as I lie in bed and fall asleep.
Unlike Mara, my bitterness is not from tragedy. She suffered great loss when her sons and husband died. What I have lost is a little different. Partially it comes from being alone here, without anyone to comfort me. It’s also the lack of comfort from my surroundings. The foreign food, the strange customs, and the constant confusion & difficulty of a different language are all reminders that this is not my home.
The thought of my suffering and my homelessness has made me bitter beyond words. (Lamentations 3:19)
Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic, but these emotions I feel are incredibly strong. I take comfort in knowing that the Lord can handle them. And in the midst of the deepest despair there is hope.
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, he also brings compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. (Lamentations 3:31-32)
I love that in the Bible there are stories of every kind. In this season, I relate to the Lamentations. The desperate, heartsick cries to a Redeemer God. I relate to Mara, bitter and vulnerable in a distant land. I relate to Israel in exile, longing for a home that is their own.
I hope that whatever season you’re in, whether sorrow, tragedy, or joy, that you can find God’s promises for you in His Word. It’s always a comfort for me to know that I’m not alone in my emotions.