Confession Time

So confession to make, I'm not exactly a poster child for an "accomplished" cross cultural worker. I have been based in three different countries and continents in the last year and a half. I didn't get too far in language learning because my heart was learning the language of being uprooted again and again. I kept offering out of a tank that was empty, believing I was modeling healthy ways to pour out ones self. As I spiraled downwards, I told myself this was cross cultral work. You go, go, and go and walk away a much better person because of all the things you pushed through. This is resilience and it is good.

Right?

Wrong. Well, at least for me.

You guys, i have spend way too much time driving myself into the ground and giving out of shallow pools instead of relying on the neverending well and source of life that is in Jesus. I jumped into the deep end only to realize that I still needed to stay in the shallow and drink in all it had to offer me. Real talk though, what does it even mean to be "accomplished" anyway? Can we ever really finish the work of building bridges and loving others out of an overflow of the love we've been given? I don't think so, but our God is gracious. He has used this last year and a half to remind me of his faithfulness, worthiness and goodness. In all of the sucky times, God has been present. He has lifted my head and has pointed me to the truths of who He is and who I am in Him. He has torn down false foundations of a house I was hiding in and has been rebuilding one that does not keep out all that is good, but is able to withstand in all seasons.

I confess that I'm not capable of all that I thought I was. What a relief, because I no longer have the capacity to believe or even pretend that I am able to do an ounce of it without Jesus. Obviously there is some room here for me to mess up and try to be self sufficient. I can guarantee there will come another moment (more like moments) that I start to feel invincible once again, forgetting to lean into community. Forgetting where my strength comes from. However, on the other side of the pit, I'll tell you this. I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with a savior who lowers himself to the ground to be face to face with me. A God who is full of so much glory and says "come and see. Be a part of what I'm doing."              

We're not the author of our own timeline, I think we've figured that out in such a shocking way the last few months. None of us knew that 2020 was going to happen. It's come as a relief to me, honestly.  None of us can say "oh yeah, I knew this was going to be the year all my false certainties would crumble". Yet, here we are. I pray that you would be able to drink from living water and be refreshed, even when you feel like you "should" be in the deep end. 

 

 

Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash