On Monday I looked at one way tickets out of the country to join my team in a new context and culture. I left my home with no guarantee of returning. Everything I have known as normal will no longer be present in my life. As these growing pains continue to spread and the reality of me leaving the country hits, I have begun to feel increasingly anxious. I think part of me never expected the funding to come in, so God made sure to show me that it is Him alone that calls and sends. It was the moment that I hit 80% that I realized none of this journey was about me nor my efforts. It was fully God calling and sending by preparing my heart and the hearts of those who would help me stay there.
I recently listened to a sermon about Peter and type six personality on the enneagram (my type in case you were curious). The pastor referenced Matthew 14:22-33, in which Jesus walks on water. In the midst of the storm and the chaos, Peter calls out to Jesus and says, “Lord, if it is you, command me me to come to you on the water.” Being called, Peter stepped out of the boat into the storm, put his eyes on Christ, and began to walk on water. It was when Peter took his eyes off Christ and towards the storm that he became anxious and began to sink.
This is has resonated with me deeply. I asked the Lord to direct my path. It took a few circumstances for me to realize I called to serve overseas for at least this next season of life. I asked the Lord to direct and use me radically, so he called me out onto the water and to literally go overseas. Now that he has blessed me abundantly, I began to take my eyes off Christ and look around at the realities of leaving the country. The thing about us over-analyzers is that we enjoy being overly prepared and ready for any situation to arise.
The story does not end here though. As Peter sinks, he cries out to the Lord. Jesus reaches out His hand and rescues Peter. Then then says “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Why do we ever doubt? God has always delivered and brought me to where I needed to be. This summer, I always had money in my bank account and a roof over my head despite not having a job nor a family to live with. Yet I still worry and panic. May this no longer be the case. The Lord has given abundantly! It was because of Him I was fully funded before the deadline. It was because of Him that I was called. God has always remained faithful, yet I fear.
The enjoyment of a safety net and stability is slowly being pulled from underneath me. I am so beyond thankful that he is preparing and equipping me to serve him cross-culturally, but that does not mean it is not scary! I am still shocked the Lord has called me, yet I cannot even begin to imagine the transformation! This new journey, I hope to continue to learn how to better give my fears over the Lord. I am uncomfortable and anxious. Yet Gos has never called us to be comfortable; He promises to be with us and strengthen us in the uncomfrotable. If He did not, we would never grow.