My husband and I recently had the opportunity to go back to the United States to spend Christmas with our families and do some work stateside. We loved seeing everyone, and by the end of the three weeks we felt encouraged, refreshed, and ready to go back.
But as we packed up to go, deeply hidden emotions rose to the surface. I felt frustrated and stressed, but couldn’t place why. As our car pulled out from the driveway, I broke down weeping. All of my confused thoughts and feelings came into clear focus: I didn’t want to say goodbye again. I had forgotten how much we were missing by living overseas: time with friends and family, playing games, sharing meals, praying and fellowshipping together… I felt thankful for the sweet time we had with people, but it brought back the feeling of loss I had tried to stifle for a year. The loss felt so heavy.
Would the rest of my life just be a long string of hard goodbyes?
Was I strong enough to keep laying down my desire to live a comfortable life, close to friends and family? Strong enough to keep pouring out my life in this way?
This first year overseas has been wonderful in many ways, and we’ve seen God bless our work abundantly. Seeing Him move has already convinced us that we want to do this type of work more than just these couple years. But as I thought about long-term work, more heavy questions came to rest on my heart with crushing force:
If we stayed long term, what else would I miss out on?
How much more time will be lost?
Suddenly I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, softly but clearly:
Be still, Beloved.
Will it truly be lost?
I drew a box around the word “lost”, and sat in silence. Within seconds, God gave me words to replace it:
Not lost…
Saved up.
I broke down weeping again, but not in sadness. In hope.
I will not fear losing time with my friends and family. They know Jesus, and the time that I am “losing” with them will be redeemed a hundredfold in heaven.
I will not regret missing other big events: births, deaths, changes big and small, because Christ Himself will make up for every sacrifice.
As my Mom reminded me while we were visiting them, “Only what’s done for Christ will last.” Only what is done for my Jesus will last, but God knows the pain of sacrifice. And He comforts us with this truth: that which we give up to serve Him (time, money, stability) is never lost--only saved up to be redeemed again, and again, and again…