For me, the hardest commandment in the Bible is Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” During the poorest portion of my life, I experienced bloody nail bed-grade levels of anxiety. I worried about where will I stay, what will I eat, how will I live. However, I was never left alone or helpless because God was with me and I had a community of people around me who loved me.
Where will I stay?
One day over a five-minute conversation before a poetry class, I was told I would have to drop out of school. There just simply wasn’t enough money. With two semesters of college left, I would have to give up my dream of graduating. “Distraught” is not a powerful enough word to express my agony at that moment. After the close of class, I hiccuped my predicament to a friend. Immediately, my professor who was still in the room stepped in and opened her home to me.
Free rent in a lovely home with such a sweet family was an absolutely incredible gift. I was shown such astounding generosity and kindness. Knowing that I would be in a safe place and that I would have an expense taken care of took such a weight off my mind. Plus, there was the bonus of witnessing one of the most loving, families I’ve ever known.
What will I eat?
At rock bottom, I was living on a sweet potato a day and a small serving of steamed vegetables. I remember one particular morning budgeting out my rations and concluding that I had eleven days of food left. Even taking into account that my wonderful church Grace Episcopal served food after service, I was not going to make it. With that knowledge, I sat in a choir row and prepared to sing.
Prayer requests were asked for, and all I could choke out was “Potatoes...” before I melted into a blubbering mess. I cannot say I recommend crying in public (unfortunately for me, my stomach and tear ducts are directly linked), but I do recommend leaning on others for prayer and support because the following week my manna from heaven came in the form of macaroni and cheese in my PO box. I received boxes and bags of groceries and five hundred dollars in a card with cats on it. I experienced my very own Elijah story. Cat cards with cash or ravens and running streams during times of famine, I am a living testament that God can and does provide.
How will I live?
It was a miracle I made it to class and work most days. I seemed to experience one calamity after another. It’s not nice to be known as “the girl who was taken out in an ambulance.” Among other things, I had pneumonia twice senior year alone, I went through a period of great personal distress due to the disillusionment of a long-term relationship, and I had a mysterious medical condition which made me fall down randomly. I had a lot going on, but I wasn’t alone. My community of people: friends, family, and professors lovingly listened, gave grace, and on more than one occasion peeled me off of the floor.
The first time I had pneumonia, my fabulous sister drove through the night just to take care of me. My professors were so incredibly supportive of both my writing and of me, taking the time to listen and help in whatever ways they could. My friends were likewise supportive, often lifting me up with laughter and prayer at every turn. In fact, the only way I know to live is with others. If life has taught me anything, it is that it cannot be lived alone. No matter where I go or what I do, even as I travel far away, I know that I have people on my side who love and support me.
Now that I’m preparing to move to a foreign country, some of those fears of homelessness and scurvy have resurfaced. Moving to a foreign country is a massive change, or perhaps more accurately, it a veritable smorgasbord of massive changes. However, as I have been provided for through God’s faithfulness and the generosity of others, I know that I’ll be okay. Towards the end of Philippians 4, Paul wrote that he found the secret to contentment. Whether in need or not, God is the source of sustenance and strength. No matter what happens in life, as long as I’m following God, I’m going to be okay.
“I Worried” by Mary Oliver
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.