Lately, for the past months or so, I have been getting a bit annoyed with the question of "how are you?". I am not talking about how it tends to be a question we throw around as we pass people we know and don't expect to receive a true response; that is a different issue. I am talking about an annoyance that I get despite who is asking or how it is asked because it comes from needing to give a response.
Responding doesn't feel simple anymore, as I often don't really know how I am doing. I am hurt by reminders of the darkness in this place. The orphanage where what I see often follows me throughout the week reminding me of how unfair life can be to people, especially those who cannot speak for themselves. As I keep unpacking the baggage I wish I did not have to drag along with me. The struggles I want to give to God but for some bizarre reason keep finding myself holding onto.
Then there is the joy that I find as I am reminded of all that God has done and is doing. The smiles and laughs of the foster kids who without the dedication of loving foster parents would otherwise be in orphanages. The students who we continue to be able to speak into their lives and form relationships with. The grace that God has given, and continues to give, to me as I learn to love Him better and what it means to fully put my trust in Him. The new discoveries that my team and I are making as we walk alongside each other letting God mold us and transform our lives.
Often these two emotions coincide with each other so that I want to both dance for joy and cry tears of sadness. In a matter of minutes, I swing back forth between these two feelings. With new issues surfacing and new joys to be celebrating I often don't know how I am feeling. Sometimes the pain overshadows the joy, and sometimes the joy reminds me of the hope we have in Christ despite the pain.
So how do I respond? Often times for a quick response I say "I've been worse; I've been better". Most of the time I feel like it takes a description to explain truly how I am doing. Sometimes I wish I can ask someone to explain how I am doing and be given a clear way to describe what it is I am feeling because most of the time I feel words are inadequate to explain exactly what I am experiencing inside.
Even with explaining my annoyance with the question I feel there are layers to it that make it hard to completely illustrate what I mean. Like I mentioned above there is the factor of people not really interested in the answer but asking to be polite. There is the factor that sometimes I get asked it a lot and I am tired of trying to sum up for people how I am doing.
I'm going to end this post by saying that life is complicated but the one thing we can always rely on is God and His love for us.