Coming out of a really rough month I had started a better routine for devotion time and being in God's word. I could see an improvement as my focus was more on God rather than myself and what I was accomplishing. Though the routine only lasted for about two weeks before I fell back into focusing more on the tasks than on God. I soon realized that the joy and peace I had during the two weeks where I was being filled by God was diminishing. I was now starting to once again try to fill myself with achievements rather than God's love and grace.
I also started realizing that I was falling into the comparison trap. And the more and more I tried to push it away and work through it myself the deeper I fell. I was mostly comparing myself to those I worked the closest with, especially my roommate. I was looking at the way she was interacting with the students, the way she was learning the language, the work she was doing at the orphanage, and I started feeling a bit inadequate at times.
In particular with the student ministry, I had been feeling like I have just been fading into the background since November. I had missed a few weeks of English corner and it was hard getting back into full swing with the students and my relationship with them. It is not that I haven't been doing anything with them, because we have had plenty of events and time with them, it's that I feel like the growth of my relationship has come to a standstill. This is the area I have been comparing myself to others the most. I watch my roommate interacting with the students and striking up conversations with them, and I started wondering why I couldn't be more like that. I felt like she was doing so much better and I was just tagging along. I kept wanting to make my own plans with the students but my fear keeps holding me back, but it seemed to be so much easier for my roommate, so I literally would tag along to plans that others made. I was talking to the students and interacting but it felt shallow and seemed everyone else was going deeper. I was happy for her but at the same time jealous. Why couldn't we both be like that?
And that is what I needed to learn. We both couldn't be like that because we both were meant to contribute different things to the ministry. We both walk our own path and while they cross and may be similar at times they are not the same. If we walk the same path as someone else we would just be following them. Our footsteps would be hidden in theirs, but God called us each to do our own part. Our footsteps may be beside each other as we support and walk alongside one another but we cannot leave the same footprint.
I knew I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. For starters, it was unfair to my roommate as I was inside wanting to distance myself from her and while I may not have intentionally done anything mean to her I may have come across as a cold and harsh in subtle ways because I wasn't dealing with the internal heaviness and frustration in myself. I know things aren't always easy for my roommate either and comparing myself to her does no one any good. We both have our own challenges.
I was losing sight of my identity in God again. Something that I seem to constantly be struggling with. But as I have learned I cannot work through this struggle alone. I need God's constant reminder of who I am in him. When I remember to look to God for satisfaction I am reminded that it is not about how well I do things in comparison to others but how I am growing in God. I will never be satisfied with trying to do better than others or striving to be like someone else because I will never be someone else. God gave me the tools I need to fulfill the role he has for me.