When will I believe what I already know to be true?
You may be wondering "how does that make sense because if you know something is true wouldn't that already mean you 'believe' that it is true?" Well, not exactly or at least that is not how it feels sometimes.
I guess maybe a better way to say it is "when will my head believe what my heart already knows to be true?" I know deep down that God loves me. That he has a plan for me and that he created me just the way I am. I know deep down that God makes us worthy. He has provided for me the tools I need to be an instrument of his work. I have the qualifications to do his work and what I lack God covers with his power and strength.
Though sometimes my mind gets in the way of remembering that. My thoughts turn to doubts about my worth and whether I am qualified or not. I start to question whether I am doing enough or if what I am doing is right. Building up a case to fight against the truths of Gods love for me and the value he puts on my life, which is the same value he has for everyone. Though, for some reason, it is harder to extend a hand of grace, mercy, and forgiveness to myself, than it is to extend it to someone else.
This month has been a very trying one for me. For weeks it seemed like I was constantly fighting myself about my value and worth. I felt ugly inside and like I was doing things wrong but no one was telling me. I wasn't spending much quiet time alone with the Lord. I wouldn't bring my struggles to God. Instead, I would keep them to myself and replay my mistakes over and over again in my head. I kept wanting to be distant from my team members because I felt disconnected from them. I felt like I was insignificant to the team and like I needed to be better. A voice in my head kept telling me I needed to do more. That I needed to try harder and be more useful. I felt like a disappointment. I struggled to find my identity in Christ because instead, I was trying to find my identity in the works that I did.
This was also a hard thing to go through during the time of Thanksgiving. A good reminder to be grateful for what God has given you. I felt guilty going through this battle of worth during a time that is meant to give thanks and be grateful. There are plenty of things that I am grateful for. Amongst God providing me with the basic needs I have, I have been grateful for family and friends. I am beyond grateful for the team that I have the privilege to work with as they have been super supportive and encouraging. But inside of me I still felt affliction. I knew I was grateful, but yet because I still hurt inside I felt maybe the gratitude wasn't real. Because how could I feel so grateful yet feel so distressed at the same time? God was helping to show me the lack of gratitude for my own abilities and personality. So while there were things that I could list that I am grateful for, I also was dealing with lack of gratitude in other areas.
As I draw out of the period of self-deprivation from God's word, God is reminding me of my identity in him. The truths are becoming more clear in my head. God is working to help me defeat the voices in my head that pull me away from centering myself in Christ.
I am a child of God and I am unconditionally loved. I am unqualified but that is how God uses me. In my weaknesses, God is made strong. Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice so that I may be forgiven. My faith is in Christ. My trust is in Him who created me.
I believe NOW.