Dependence

I’m not used to relying on other people. I’ve always felt like I needed to take care of my own wants or problems. It wasn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes I think it was healthy for me to take care of whatever mess I was win without dragging anyone else into it.

Of course there were downsides to that. There always are. I’ve struggled to make requests of other people, to force myself into a conversation and say “Hey here’s a need I could use some help with.”

I always felt like I was forcing myself on other people, like I’d be wasting their time with problems they likely did not care about. It wasn’t healthy, and there are plenty of reasons why. For one, I don’t think it was fair of me to write off other people like that. Indeed it was unnecessarily cynical. But it also meant that I struggled to simply rely on others in general, to ask for aid or comfort or resources when I knew I didn’t have them for myself.

You’re probably thinking “Oh, well I’m sure that must have been challenging you throughout this whole process of support raising.”

And you’d be right.

I’m not making any active income right now, so my entire sustenance is dependent upon the good will of others. My support for the next two years is likewise dependent on other people’s generosity. It’s not easy for me to put myself at “someone else’s mercy”, if you will.

But it’s necessary.

I’m not all the way done yet. I’ve still got some more support raising to go, and I can’t say I’ve fully overcome my hiccups with being dependent on others, but it’s a process. Bit by bit, God is chipping away at these hangups. Maybe one day this will be completely behind me.

But even if some hint of it remains, I know I’ll be reminded of how God’s used this process to shape my character. I’m not even overseas yet, and he’s already using this to mold me, and that’s just incredible.

Now to see how I grow once I get over there…