I want to be perfect. I want to be likable, agreeable, always appropriate in word and deed.
But I’m not, not even close.
I’ve been struggling with this lately; feeling as though I’m constantly saying or doing the wrong thing, as though I give offense at every turn, and that my colleagues don’t really like me. Not a fun place to be, emotionally.
But those are lies. That is, my colleagues might not like everything I do, or might need to correct me (often), but that doesn’t mean they don’t like me. They extend grace when I fall short.
But I don’t want to be in need of grace, I want to be perfect. In fact, I want to be the one who extends grace, instead of taking it.
As my dad would say, “Tough luck, chick.” Because that’s just not how we humans are programmed. We are not flawless. And frankly (here I need to talk to myself as much as to anyone), trying to be perfect on our own and rejecting grace is flat out sinful.
Like spitting at the guy hanging on the cross.
I, we, need grace, from others, and most of all from God.
Here’s the thing – it’s important to grow, and not just be a grace vacuum.
God’s grace won’t run out, but that doesn’t mean I get to abuse the gift by continuing on my way and ignoring correction and direction. Growing and becoming more Christlike is what a Christian is called to do.
My colleagues’ grace, yeah, that will run out eventually, so if getting better for God isn’t motivation enough (and it ought to be), not burning my bridges with my co-workers is.
Part of growing is called confession and being humble, by the way. And it’s not for the faint of heart.
Side-note: when did saying, “I’m sorry” or apologizing become associated with weakness, anyway? Newsflash – it takes way more strength to admit you are wrong than to just continue on pretending you were right. Hopefully you all know this already.
So, for my praying folk, please pray for me that I might accept the correction with a humble heart, that I might receive the grace without guilt, and that I might grow into the woman God wants me to be.
P.S. Funny story, last year I set a goal for myself to become better at giving grace, because I definitely am not good at that (I’m more of a whack ‘em with truth person). Who knew I’d actually need to learn about receiving it. Well, God knew, obviously.