It’s a lot more lonely here than I expected. I don’t really have that many friends, and I don’t really know how I can make new friends. It’s been a hard month because of that realization, but the main problem is that I’m not sure how to remedy that. When I really started feeling a sense of loneliness, it made me very unhappy, but now, since it hasn’t really gotten any better, it just feels like a heavy, dark cloud that I carry around with me. Each day, I just go around doing what needs to be done, but I have lost a lot of motivation for a lot of things. And thinking about it, I think the other problems stem from this feeling of loneliness. Being in a city also seems to amplify the feeling of loneliness. I’ve never lived in a city before, and there are so many people that I don’t know, and that speak a different language than me.
Local friends are really hard for me to find right now. First of all, not many speak English, so I can’t really speak to them. Also, I’m just not doing things that get me in contact with people my age, and I’m not sure what can I do since most of the women my age are most likely married with a young baby or two and stay in their homes. Confession: I’m also not really good at initiating, and I don’t really want to do it, either. Because He has always initiated for me in the past, I have been very out of practice. In all my friendships that mattered, He was always involved. I never actually had to do anything. He always set it up for me. Actually, my best friend from and America and I always try to figure out how we became friends, but we can’t figure out how because He did it all. He has given me the gift of a new foreign friend, and for that I am so grateful. I didn’t really think we would become friends, but we have, and I really appreciate the time we have had together. Even with that friendship, I didn’t really do much; we just suddenly started hanging out more.
I know that it takes time, and many people have told me that, but the time that it takes is excruciating. Everything else is suffering because of it. I remember the thing that I didn’t like the most on tests, homework, etc., was a blank page, and this is exactly what this feels like. That blank page scares me and makes me feel stuck. I don’t know what to do, and that paralyzes me. It’s just easier for me to not try, instead of trying and not getting any fruit. I know this isn’t good, but knowing it doesn’t really help.
I remember the times where I have initiated (on other things, not friendships) and invited Him into the process. We were rejected dozens of times per day, and yet I did get one or two lasting relationships. I remember that when I step out in faith, He responds. Maybe I just need to remember who my first Friend is. He will never leave me or forsake me. It’s a start, and I have a long ways to go, but I will hold that Truth close to my heart during my loneliest days. He is, and will always be, my friend.