How God Didn't "Call" Me to Go (and how that's ok)

I never did feel “called” to go anywhere. I have never like that word because of that. It made me feel like there were then “right” and “wrong” choices in life, and since I had never felt “called” to anything, I was worried that whenever I came to a decision in life, I would make the wrong choice. It also made me feel jealous that others would feel “the call” and yet I would not.

As it was getting closer to my graduation from college, I was getting more and more worried about my decision about what to do after college. Thankfully, I had a Spiritual Director during that time, and so I was able to meet with him ever three weeks or so, and I would just talk about my worries, my joys, and everything in between. This is when I felt like God was giving me the choice to do what I wanted in my life. I had never really felt that I had a big decision like that before, because I always knew growing up that I would go to college, and even them, I followed what I thought was what my parents wanted by getting an engineering degree. So this was my first real big decision that I would make on my own, and I was terrified of making the wrong choice, especially since God was letting me decide.

I had always loved traveling, and I was very blessed to have parents that had the opportunity to go on vacation and travel as well as parents who wanted to travel. I have gone about 20 different countries throughout my life, and I had so much fun and loved every minute of it. I even looked into getting a graduate degree or job overseas because I always knew that I would love to live overseas one day. I had done a six week Global Project with InterVarsity during college, and that was an interesting experience, too. I came out of that experience believing that I was not meant to be a “missionary” per se. But, as I got closer to finishing college, I was realizing how much I did not love engineering and so I was very wary about pursuing a career in that area. I knew that I would make lots of money and be able to give that money away to help people overseas and to send missionaries who had actually felt “the call”, but I felt no joy in that. I was not excited to live that life, even though it would mean great things for others. This dilemma was something that plagued me, and still does. Part of me still worries that I went down this path for selfish reasons and that I chose wrong.

Through talks with my Spiritual Director, I started to realize that God was everywhere, and even if I did want to do a mid-term mission project, and I failed miserably and it wasn’t something that I was supposed to do, the engineering opportunities that I had left would still be there when I got back. God would still be with me throughout my failures and so it would be like Him letting me make my own mistakes so I would learn and grow from them.

But, I plowed ahead with my desire to go abroad and help people personally, and that is how I got involved with GoCorps at Urbana 15. I realized that I never did like the term “missionary” as well, because it conjured up the image of someone who only proclaimed the Bible, did evangelism, and nothing else. When I interviewed with my current team, I realized that I would be doing so much more than that. I saw how I could help people in practical ways as well, just as Jesus did with His miracles. This made me more excited about going overseas and how I could interact with people. God has given me such a heart of love for people, and I think that is why I felt removed from people when I looked at engineering because that deals more with things than people.

As I have traveled down this road, and now, being able to look back, I can see the ways of how I was prepared for this opportunity. My engineering background will help immensely with the organization there, as well as it gives a reason to go to new villages and spread Jesus’s love to new people. My interest in supernatural ministry that God has slowly been growing was what drew me to the specific position in the first place. God also has given me experience in the engineering field needed over there, because I was not trained in that area, through second choice internships when the first one fell through. So even though I was never “called”, I have seen God work throughout my life, guiding me to where I am now, when I look back and reflect on all that He has done for me. I realize now how much He is always with me, and that He will always be with me, in whatever step, decision, path, or road that I take.

Now, at Go Week, I see that God is here. He is all around me. I trust in where He has led me and where He will be leading me. I believe that this is a journey with God; we are together on this journey (which I am so thankful for). I have been able to meet with my team leaders, my organization, and my GoCorps mentors in person, and that has been so great. I have seen how God is at work in my life and in the lives of others. I will be holding on fast to His promises and His truth. He does want me exactly where I am, and we are working together to bring His Kingdom to this earth.