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Who I was...

Posted on Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Why do we let fear get in the way of our goals? Why do we allow ourselves to be content with only working half way? Why do we choose laziness over greatness? Why do we permit failure to dictate our future?

 These are all questions that I have been struggling with over the last couple of weeks, and honestly I don't have the slightest clue to how to answer these questions. Because we’re sinners? Probably. Because we have bad habits? Maybe. I just don’t know. So often we allow ourselves to be sucked into this illusion that we are not cut out for something great, that we are called to live a mediocre life. We have a bad day, or we failed at something, and so we wallow and we allow ourselves to get into a rut, and we never truly try to get out of the pit that we had dropped ourselves into. We think we are not worth people’s time or thoughts, we permit our pasts and who we were to have such a strong hold on who we have become. We have such low views of ourselves at times, but that’s not how it should be.

 This past week Rachel and I went to Tracy for support raising, and the entire time leading up to it I was scared. Scared that people would not see me for the man I have become, but rather the boy that I once was. The boy that was selfish, immature, and thought himself king of his life. A boy who lived for himself and so easily burned bridges just because it was easy. And I went into meetings with this mindset, that I was still the boy that I once was. I thought myself a failure, and I allowed myself to dig the hole of bad thoughts.

 But luckily I was rescued by a close friend, and now supporter. I was worried for this meeting because I felt I had screwed something up in my past with these contacts, but I knew that I desperately wanted them on my team. So after the presentation these got a little real. I apologized, saying I was sorry for my immaturity and the fact that I was such a wretched person. And this man did something that completely caught me off guard. He said that there was nothing to be sorry for, everybody has a time in their life where they are immature. And that even back when I was a boy he knew that I would do something great with my life, that he was not surprised by this new chapter in my life. I had no idea how to respond, I was absolutely speechless. It was one of the most liberating things someone had said to me in a while, that even when I was stuck in sin, living my life for myself, people knew I was still going to be doing something great later on.

 So all this so say that our past does not dictate our future, that our fears are so small, so meaningless. God created us to do great things for Him, to live boldly and loudly. God is a God of miracles and new beginnings so we need to live like it. God does not want our laziness, our half-heartedness, or our fear that comes from not trusting in Him. He wants our best, our first fruits. So we need to begin to act like it, going forth trusting in Him and doing great things for the glory of our God.

 

Psalm 101:1-4

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