I am at a point in my language study where I have started learning how to speak beyond greetings and survival phrases, which should be really exciting, yes? I can speak full sentences such as “I am walking on the street” and “The yellow duck is between the red house and the green tree” and “The hungry man is next to the laughing girl” and “I want ice cream” (while stumbling over words and pronunciation/grammar corrections from my language helper). Recently, I had a moment where I looked at a group of picture vocabulary cards arranged into a sentence and I spoke the sentence without any correction from my language helper. This is a monumental turning point, but I was surprised by my reaction. I heard these foreign words flooding from my mouth to form a coherent sentence, and rather than feeling joy or excitement at this accomplishment, I felt weird. In that moment, I felt myself becoming a different person. The only way I can put the feeling into words is with a mental picture: if my essence were a fabric, it would be a soft, well-worn wool that smells of campfires and brings comfort on a cool Colorado evening in the mountains. When I composed and spoke a sentence in this foreign language for the first time, it was as if a square of the comfortable wool was torn off to make room for a new fabric: a piece of jute that is coarse and practical and smells of masala and some peculiar scent that you can’t quite place your finger on but is ever-present. This piece of jute material did not fit comfortably with the wool, and it felt as though I was at odds with myself.
As I spent some time praying through this phenomenon, the Lord led me to some specific verses from His Word. Isaiah 61:10 says, “I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, my soul rejoices in my God; for He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” As the Lord brought this verse to mind for me, I realized that I am way too focused on the comfort of my Western identity. I may feel as though I am becoming a different person, but I already went through a complete identity change when I accepted the garments of salvation and the robe of righteousness that the Lord offers. Yes, this transition and cross cultural experience is really hard at times, but I can rejoice in the raiment the Lord has so graciously given me, rather than fretting over the ripping of my previous garments.
Another verse the Lord gave me was Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” No matter where I am living in the world, I live by faith in Christ; furthermore, it is not my well-worn wool that I am wearing, but the garments of Christ as He lives in me. I do not understand this mystery, but I know that Jesus is closer to me than I am to myself. Because of that truth, I can rejoice greatly!